Quint falls asleep pretty quickly, and I head to my own room. Jesus, he's a handful. I'm about to open my door when I hear Yelena And Kate coming down the hall. When Yelena sees me, she passes her room and calls to me. Kate goes into Yelena's room, glancing at me as she does. The jealousy burbling in chest pisses me off.
"Nina, huh?" She grins. "Is that the girl you mentioned when we were in Italy?"
"Uh, yeah," I admit, my cheeks reddening. "We aren't like- a thing. She's just a good lay," I beat her to the punch.
"You didn't say she was Russian," she quips, crossing her arms. "Or that she looks like Kate. All you said was she did this thing-"
"Yeah- I know what I said." I cut her off. "How did you know she was Russian? I only told Quint." I lean against my door.
"You made a comment about dating Russian girls. Her name is Nina. I put two and two together." She shrugs. "Just thought it was interesting."
"I guess I have more of a type than you thought," I say gruffly, and open the door. "Goodnight, Yelena." I close the door behind myself before she can say anything else. I look at my phone, Nina staring up at me. She does look damn good. I text her back.
Me: Honestly? Yeah.
N: Come back then.
Me: They need me.
She doesn't reply. I take a shower and climb into bed. I'm tempted to listen and see if Yelena tells Kate about Nina, but I don't wanna risk hearing them doing anything else. Unbidden, the memory of Kate holding me in that motel room years ago jumps to my mind. The way she nuzzled into my neck instead of waking up. The way she tasted when she kissed me in New York. The way I thought my heart would stop when Yelena kissed me before I left. How we spent every waking moment together the first two months after Yelena's surgery. Q's right. I knew that already. But damn, it hurts. Fleetingly, the hope that they could still want me flashes through my mind. I'm pretty sure I ruined any chance of that in Italy. I make my way down the hall to the kitchen quietly, not overhearing anything I'd rather not. When I get there, Kate's getting a glass of water. She's in pj pants with Hawkeye logos on them and a tank top. I smirk at the cuteness.
"Can't sleep?" she asks, and I shrug.
"Nah. Quint said something that I can't get out of my head," I admit, trying not to notice that she's not wearing a bra.
"Wanna tell me about it?" She leans on the counter.
"Probably shouldn't."
"You don't wanna go back to Nina, do you?" She quirks a brow at me.
"No," I laugh. "I wish I never left," the words fall out of my mouth without warning.
"Paris?" Kate asks, reaching to put her glass in the sink.
"Here," I mumble. I look down at the floor, not wanting to show her how vulnerable I am right now. I clear my throat and hide in the fridge, pretending to look for a drink or something. Then Yelena's voice comes from the hall behind me.
"Kate, Detka? Where are you?" I cannot catch a break.
"In here, Lena." Kate calls, and I shut the fridge door to see her looking at me with pain in her eyes. "Y/n was just telling me that Quint said something that she can't stop thinking about." she informs Yelena as she's entering the room.
"And what might that be?" Yelena asks me as she passes me to wrap her arms around Kate. My chest pangs.
"It doesn't matter, I'm gonna go to bed." I try to leave, but of course, Kate won't let it be.
"She said she wished she never left us." I whip around.
"I said I wished I never left here," I correct her.
"Is she wrong?" Yelena raises a brow and holds Kate just the littlest bit closer. I sigh.
"Listen, I'm still feeling tipsy, I shouldn't have said anything."
"Just answer the question!" Kate insists.
"Fine! Yes. I wish I never left you. I never moved on." They both stand there, jaws dropped, and I just turn to go back to bed.
"No! Don't!" Kate blurts out, and Yelena lets go of her to stop me, grabbing my arm. "You left before. Don't leave now," Kate says softer. I turn in Yelena's grasp to look at her.
"What's the point? You both moved past this-" I gesture uselessly, "Whatever it was."
"Who said that?" Kate asks, her eyes shimmering. Yelena goes back to her.
"You're together! You're happy! You didn't have to." I look at Yelena. "I once told you that if you wanted romance, it didn't have to be with me. And it isn't. I have to be okay with that."
"I loved you. You know that? I didn't want to let myself, but I did," Yelena meets my eyes. "I wish I could have given you what you wanted."
"Me too." My voice cracks. "I think I should have stayed away. I've only made things more complicated." I look at the floor, secretly hoping they both agree and I can run away again.
"You told me then that you needed me," Kate reaches for my hand. "I never got to return the favor. We want you here. We need you here." She lets my hand drop when I don't look up. Clears her throat. "I'm going to go to bed. We'll revisit this when you're ready." Yelena stays as Kate walks past me and out of the room.
"You don't have to be okay with anything," she says just above a whisper, then follows Kate. I wait until I hear them close the door to Yelena's bedroom, then go to my room. What am I supposed to do with that? Nothing. There's nothing I can do. What did Kate mean, we're gonna revisit it? So they can just break my heart over and over? God, I wanna run away, I wanna go back to being mind-numbingly pleasured by anyone that would have me. I don't wanna feel anything. But, I made a promise. I have to keep it. At least until Val gives up her manhunt.
