When the Final Seal Breaks

8th Entry

I'm sorry. That was a really melodramatic ending to the previous entry. I was trying to write what I was feeling, but it came out in a dramatic cliché. There might be some part of me even now that's operating as if this is all just a game, which has adjusted my frame of language. I'm going to try to be more conscious of that. I killed people. It wasn't, and isn't, a game.

Orleris clearly knows I'm not doing well, so he hasn't brought up returning his cloak. I'm currently still wearing it. I'm writing this in the carriage again, since I felt so ill when we were at the outpost between central and Liliales that I just went to sleep.

I think the main issue right now is that we have no direction. Without the rubies, we have nothing we can prepare. The Central Government isn't going to start recruiting people to fight on my word, and the moment the final seal breaks, I feel like it will be too late to start.

It might be worth trying to use my final ruby as a seed stone to grow some more, but even that would take at least a few days of sitting still and holding the ruby against some rocks. This is honestly the best plan I have.

And I could also just go home. I've barely explained how the time dilation works to anyone here, so maybe they wouldn't understand properly, but if I bring the ruby back to my world, the time here would pass quickly and give them more time to prepare. My main concern if I do that would be that once the seal breaks, no matter how fast I come back here, it will already be too late.

Orleris just asked if I'm alright again. I'm not sure what he's thinking, but I must look terrible. I feel terrible. If I had just managed to keep the seal up for another couple weeks, he wouldn't have had to go through this either- even if they didn't find his cousin, the next in line would have been there. How old was Orleris even? Younger than me? I bet he was raised knowing he was a contingency plan for something that was never supposed to happen. But look at him. He's managing just fine.

But that's just because he has no idea. No one here does except me. I can almost taste the miasma again. At first its just a slight chill, like you think someone is looking at you. Then the air starts to feel thick and starts to taste like metal. Then you start to feel weighed down. And if you close your eyes for just a moment to try to rest them from the strain, you'll feel the hands. The more you try to shake them off the more clearly you can feel them. But they're not pulling on your skin, they're pulling on your senses. You raise your arms trying to fight back, and your arms lift in front of you, but you still feel them at your sides, with the hands pulling you down. And if they pull you out of your own self...

Well, I had never gotten that far. But it was pretty clear what happened if they did.

I never want to feel that again. I don't want anyone here to face that, nor see what it looks like when one of their friends is being controlled by those hands, their eyes glassy and lifeless.

We have to come up with a plan. I sure hope Navar has really made some progress.

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