I'm gay, and I write this with the intention of feeling a bit more comfortable with myself and my sexuality, but if I help somebody feel more secure about their sexuality - or what have you, then all the better.
Lets start with the cliche: growing up I always felt a little bit different than all the other kids. I swear, the many times I heard that said on videos through Youtube. But those words are fundamental to the struggle no? And yes it's a struggle, can't tell you how many times I've heard of stories of straight people saying, "your gay get over it" or my favorite, "we get it your gay." I heard that last one recently by a friend of mine. Needless to say she's out of my life.
But back to the story, I always felt different from very early on.
I remember in elementary school having mostly friends that of the female variety. Nothing wrong with that, I know - but I distinctly remember a family member - one who attended the same school, ask, "Why do you have girlfriends? (that word meaning women friends nothing more)." And I remember calmly responding with, "Because I like girls, why do you hang out with men, do you like them?" From very early on I was taught to either hide my sexuality or defend it viciously. I inevitably choose the former as it is the best technique in my eyes to go about a life undisturbed.
I've implied it in the last paragraph, so I should explicitly say it now. I feel as if I was not born into my sexuality, in other words I wasn't born gay. That isn't me defending myself, proclaiming to the world, "I am normal! Please don't shun me." Fuck the world, and let them shun me. I am comfortable enough with myself to be prideful of my sexuality. I am who I am and I will damn well be sure of myself because the alternative, the alternative is suicide.
Who in their right mind lives a life of shame? I'm sure if roles were reversed straight people would make the same decision.
But I digress, as I mentioned I feel as if I was not born gay. I was born as any other child with wildish dreams of becoming a doctor or a lawyer. And when Puberty came around I found myself not attracted to men but to women. Astonishing, I know. But as I grew older and got in touch with myself on a more deeper level, I found myself growing less and less attracted to women. And as you might have guessed, more and more attracted to men. It was not something I choose, mind you.
I did not choose to become who I am, other outside influences had that power. Parental influence, genetic influence (though I'm not sure how one determines when one is predisposed more to one thing than the other but I'm sure scientists are working on it), and the scholastic experience - these are but a few of the several influences one might endure as one grows older. And these were damn well some of the things that influenced me.
Parental influence for one is something that I know for sure played a role in the development of my sexuality. I know this because I feel as if I was fulfilled emotionally and psychologically by my mother but not my father. Not that the man was unfatherly, he's a pretty chill dude and I know I can talk to him if anything is up. But my mother is more approachable, I know I can come up to her for any reason and expect nothing but love. It's one one of the main reasons I came out to her first. And one of the main reasons why I haven't come out to him.
He knows mind you, my mother told him, because "there are no secrets within their marriage." An admirable trait, to be sure, but not exactly helpful in my situation. See I got some advice from two of my family members that I've come out to and they said I should not come out to any more people within my family before I personally come out to my father. It makes sense and I completely get it. But it's sort of halted my process a little - by which I mean it completely stopped it all together, at least within my family, because approaching that man is death-defying.
Again, he knows and I know that he's completely chill about it, but the man is terrifying.
Still, I understand that he might feel offended, because I've told everyone else personally, but I haven't told him personally. But every time I think about coming out to him for too long my heart starts beating faster and faster and I can just picture me jumbling and mumbling all my damn words together. Ugh, it's mortifying.
Still, I plan on making a video to come out to the rest of my extended family. I'll post it online to my sisters social media site and It'll be all done! I'll be completely out to my extended family. I don't want to come out to them personally, I don't need them. I have my immediate family and they all accept me, so I could give two fucks about my extended family and how they'll react. I still want to tell them though because they at least deserve that much. Besides its good practice. And it just feels good to be honest with people even if they might take it the wrong way.
