In the heart of honesty I'd like to say that I'm not at all that honest, with the world at least. What I mean to say is that I'm not your typical feminine gay. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a feminine gay. To be truthful I actually admire them. See I'm a masculine guy, well there are touch few aspects of me that are feminine, but you only ever see that when I get to know you. I put up front, always have, hopefully I never will but who's to know?
As I mentioned before I learned to hide my inclinations and through that I learned what to do and what not to do in order "pass" as straight. "Passing" is a very problematic term because it implies we have something shameful to hide. However I use the term so that you understand my situation a bit better, if that's insulting I apologize.
As I've said I admire feminine gays, well not just the feminine gays, I admire all feminine men because they get to felt and feel free to embark on who they are, while I on the other hand didn't and don't . It's a little difficult to not act a certain way when it's all you've ever known. It's almost like I haven't come out of the closet. Not truly. Oh I'll go to a male strip club, I'd go to a damn gay bar, but I won't and wouldn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I am ashamed of this, I am ashamed of who I am. I shouldn't and I encourage others not to but it's a farce, it's a damn lie. And I don't want to live a lie but as I said it's a lie I've only ever knew that makes me feel comfortable.
It's a lie I've become accustomed to and it's a lie others believe. I've done this for so long that it's almost become my truth.
I guess I'm lucky though, I never got bullied for being gay. I got to live a lie. Others had to live with the truth and they got bullied. But see where I didn't have to fight they did. And they fought fiercely. They fought for equality, they fought for respect. And damn me if they didn't achieve it, if only a little.
So thank our forefathers for their truth, their honesty. But damn me for my lies.
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A/N: it's a tad dramatic I know. And I recognize I sound like a damsel in distress saying, "woe is me I've never been bullied. Wah!" I apologize. And I realize now I equate feminism to honesty, I'll rewrite this in the coming days.
