Secrecy of Reincarnation || Oshi No Ko × Subarashiki Sekai || fanfic

Major Update

Sorry about my absence for over this past few months, I had been feeling demotivated lately and I also couldn't be on Wattpad like the usual. This is my last week of writing in Wattpad as I wanted to presume in another website/app. Don't worry, I might be able to finish some of my unfinished projects but considering my situation now, it's just impossible.

I apologize for my fans who loved my books so far, I truly do love to write but my mental health has been deteriorated ever since, I just can't move my fingers to write whenever I got writer's block.
Anyway, if you still love them, there's a chance I might transferred them to somewhere safe, don't worry about the new projects, I'm just feeling down all the time and I couldn't find the way to self healing and calming myself down.

Tbh, I actually suffer from chronic fatigue, I truly wish if I did got checked from the hospital but with my mom dismissing my health issues, I felt like I'm a nuisance, pretending to have "mental" problems but in reality, I wanted to die.

It must've been lucky to have normal parents while you hate them, however, my situation is the opposite. Both of my parents are abusive, my mom is narcissistic and my dad is her enabler. From my whole entire life, I never feel safe living with them anymore. I was scared, I stopped talking to people for fear of my mom's severe punishment. And that one main problem alone, made me more miserable than before.

Everyone must have been thinking: "Isn't sexual abuse a serious thing too?" Narcissistic abuse isn't a exception, it is a soul wrenching death for me, making me believe that my own existence is a burden, I avoided people because nobody would understand me. Even when I'm around with my friends, it's hurting me crazy. I did reached out for help from them when I was around 15 years old but their answers.... Was not something I expected. They were all hesitant, only uncomfortable and never give me reassuring words, am I that selfish wanting to hear "I'll be there for you" and "I'm always there for you to help"?

Imagine it was my friend's suffering, almost all of our friends hug them and everything but me? I have nothing. Even if I vented in my story of how much I struggled, they were never there at all.
Once I went to school, they were laughing and talking something else about the internet. Did they ever mentioned my struggles? They didn't.
I'm truly happy that I do have friends, however.... I was more happy if I was with the guys instead. One of my female friend was just like me but she was popular and have many friends. Unlike me, I was a loner wolf and I respected everyone's boundaries and their values. I was not like her though, it still hurting me.

We pinky promise about only having smaller friends and look where I am, suffering and agitated right now.
How extroverted, I would cry on the spot if everyone revealed themselves as a betrayer, vampire sucker, narcissistic and extreme overemotional victim toxic friends, it's just too much for me to handle.
Knowing them, I never considered them best friends, they were only there for me because of my female friend.
They are truly blessed after all,
Even luckier of not able to experience the deep seated resentment I have from narcissistic abuse.
My mind is too distorted.
I couldn't even focus in class anymore.
I didn't care for my SPM,
My only thoughts are escaping this nightmare fuel I'm currently in

I have hypothyroidism. I'm not lying. I'm medically abused. My narcissistic mom pretended that my health didn't exist, she only cares about my eating habits when I caught gastrics, I typically don't eat in the evening usually. I stopped hoping for anyone to even care for me, I rather die on my bed and not be awake any longer

Even that stupid friend.... Have said that I should get rid of nervousness when myself don't know how. He actually asked the hard way, so I'm not improving my communication with a fucking human being over English speaking lessons. I already know it's important but how am I supposed to do when I'm like this?!
All of my trauma caused my parents and he wants me to get rid of it?! Don't make it like it's easy for you! All of decision making and planning were from my flying monkey mom, do you think I can function my brain normally?! How cheapskate!
The only thing I know is to get away a person who couldn't love me back or provide me a comfortable secure life! Everyone has it so why do I have to choose my relatives over my parents?! That's because they never care for me! They only care when I became successful but never there for me when I hit my lowest times!

I want to experience love too, am I incapable of giving kindness to everyone? Or maybe I'm just being selfish that nobody listened to my needs. Everything is all my fault, if I don't have any friends, I wouldn't become like this. I hated myself and everything. I'm sorry....

I had to vent out, I appreciate if any of you read my current situation. It's hard to live with emotional pain without anyone giving me the support I truly needed, I feel empty on the inside. I'm sorry if I went full mental breakdown and thank you for being there for me....
Goodbye.