D E G R A D E | m . Verѕтappen

1| When the Sun Rises

S. Barlowe

The sound of the engines suddenly became unfamiliar to me. It was too loud for me and it reverberated too much that it made me nervous. My racing suit felt tighter than normal and that's when I knew that everything was overwhelming.

A familiar hand tugged on my hand and I looked to see Astraea, her big blue eyes looking at me with a plea. "Bri it's very loud, can you just quit racing please...." I laughed and kneeled down to hug her. She immediately pushed me off and said, "Stop, you're embarrassing me!"

"Ah so you're too old now, is that why you call me Bri now? To be cool?," I teased and Astraea rolled her eyes and said, "Yes! To be cool. I'm nearly 10 now Bri, I'm basically a woman!"

"You know, I raised you too smart for your own good my star, you're turning into a know-it-all," I said as I booped her nose. She crinkled her nose like a bunny then gave me a hug so I said, "Oh, so you're not old enough for hugs then?"

"No, there's some exceptions to the rule," she said with a cheeky smile and I hugged her even tighter then said, "Just stay a little girl for now star, you have plenty of time to be a woman later. For now, you gotta watch your Bri survive a press conference."

"You'll be fine, just pretend like you're better than everyone," she advised and I scrunched my nose in approval and said, "Hey, I used to tell you that everyday when you went to school, you can't use my sayings on me."

"Well, the teacher has become the student," she cheekily said again and I pinched her cheeks and said, "Stop growing up please! I swear you were still so little back then, you used to even have mama read you bedtime stories and now you read them all on your own."

"I miss mama," Astraea said as she tried her best to put her brave face on so I hugged her tight again and said, "Me too star, me too, but I promise you she's always watching over us." Her blue eyes momentarily went icy but she smiled and said, "Bri, you don't want to miss your press conference, now go! I'm sure everybody's excited to know who's the new driver for Aston Martin."

"Yes yes, maybe I should replace my manager and you can be my new one with the way you're bossing me around star," I teased and she stuck her tongue out and started pushing me towards my PR team who were readily waiting to throw me into the den of wolves. One of the staff ushered me to the hot seat and not much to my surprise, I was the first one there.

The media hounds immediately started taking photos as gasps reverberated the not very large space. I looked to the side and saw Astraea give me a thumbs up and it eased my nerves a little only for it to be shaken away so quickly after the cameras started flashing again. Do I even belong here when I've been gone for so long? Can life just continue on when I've put it in such a long pause?

Constantly asking myself if I deserved anything was always in my mind. I tell myself that I've moved on from all the things I gave up but here I am, an inch away from a nervous breakdown because even when I look to the future...I feel my past creeping back up to swallow me whole.

My thoughts were cut short when the rest of the drivers started arriving and when I caught sight of the last driver to join, my heart completely stopped.

No.

I've spent a decade building a life outside of my past, leaving behind everything that I loved about it. Leaving was never easy but it was necessary even when I couldn't tell if it was selfish or selfless for me to disappear.

But I know I couldn't escape it. My past started rising from the grave and I'm afraid I don't have the strength to endure facing it again.

Can I swallow my pride and face my consequences?