Dirt Poor

TWENTY - Forest Floors

Not edited in the slightest. :)

One of the things about living in poverty is learning how to accept the things that we could never have or could ever be. Our needs turn into wants and we go without even if it drains the very life from our bones and eviscerates our soul.

Longing rages deep inside most of us and the constant yearning has us sentimental or almost nostalgic for something we haven't had or even things we don't understand. Just another hole within us that can never be filled and the worst part about it is that we don't even know what is needed to do so.

A blind desperate desire with no means to be fulfilled.

It hurts.

So when I somehow fell into a routine with Kaya that involved me tagging along after our shifts together and crashing at her house, it soothed something deep within me that I didn't know I was lacking. It's like the moment after dry heaving for eternity and finally taking the deep breath I thought I'd never taste.

I surprised even myself with letting my guard down a bit and opening up the chance at a friendship with Kaya. She was fun and chatty and could make time seem as if we were in an entirely different dimension. She makes me forget about my father and what I have to deal with in regard to him. For once, whenever I am with her, I feel normal.

Vance, on the other hand, has a way to bring me crashing right back down to earth but not necessarily in a negative way. He's a realistic balance between what I want or could have been and what actually is. No matter how normal Kaya can make me feel with this budding friendship between us it's Vance that reminds me that it's all an illusion-he's the reminder that I will never be completely normal.

It's one thing to garner a friendship with Kaya because that's all that it will be, but even the possibility of being friends or something more with Vance has me shaking my head in disbelief at myself. It's just as well, I don't trust Vance completely anyway, and my trust may not ever be able to extend that far. It was something that I couldn't shake from my thoughts no matter what.

Was I wasting my time becoming friends with Kaya? Was this all a mistake? Should I distance myself again?

Wanting something in the past has never worked out for me and usually left me disappointed.

I was also walking a fine line at school. My interactions with Syre have been more infrequent than normal and I wasn't complaining, but it made my stomach clench and bury within itself every time I stepped into the school building.

Today was extra nerve-wracking with Kaya beginning her school year at St. Augustus. She had explained during one of our hangouts that she opted to study abroad for a year and now is finally back. I was lucky enough to just be at St. Augustus let alone the opportunity to immerse myself in another culture and world entirely. I was desperate to ask everything about her experience abroad but Kaya didn't seem super forthcoming with her stories and I wasn't going to push.

Syre hated it when I had anyone on my side and I was beyond nervous as to how he would react to the friendship I was able to obtain despite his best efforts to sabotage my chances at familiarity with anyone in this school. He was relatively successful in completely isolating me and creating a fractured and lonely environment for me.

Dealing with Syre is something that I have been doing for years, I have become accustomed to it. I could handle it-sort of. But Kaya on the other hand...

Dread rushed my veins before solidifying and dropping a dead weight in the pit of my stomach.

Kaya.

I couldn't let Syre's abhorrence for me bleed into anything with Kaya. She's one of the kindest people I have ever encountered and didn't deserve to have to deal with the side effects of Syre.