Disconnected

Chaper Four

May 2010 - Age 9

Chad and I got off the school bus at 4:15pm everyday. This usually gives me time to get in the house, grab a snack, tell Mom how my day was, and then go in my room before Dad comes home. I'm worried about him being in a bad mood—Dad hates his job. He walks through the door at 5pm demanding dinner and a beer, luckily Mom always has dinner ready in time. I listen to the pattern of his footsteps to determine his mood. 

I step off the bus and notice right away that Dads truck is in the driveway. Weird, Dad never leaves work early—ever. Chad goes into the house before me and Dad stops me as I get closer to the house. "I took your four-wheeler out, just go ride around the yard for now." Dad says, his hand reaching out for my school bag and my helmet in his other hand. This is so weird, I think. I never got to drive my quad around before dinner and homework. Secondly, Dad never took care of my bag after school, it was always Mom. He seems to be calm but doesn't make eye contact. I didn't feel like driving the quad, but Dad already went through the trouble to take it out. I put my helmet on and go.

I remember thinking that we were going to camp because it was Friday of May long weekend. Maybe Mom was packing and we were leaving soon and Dad just wants me out of the way to pack up? Something still didn't feel right. I drive around the yard and through some trails. When I am done, I go find Dad. He is acting weird, he tells me to stay outside and he needed to ask Mom something before I went inside. I get excited, maybe we are leaving for camp.

Mom walks outside and she is in tears. It's the first time I've ever seen my cry, her mascara is running and I feel like someone just died. I ask her what's wrong, she tries to catch her breath and pulls me into the gazebo. She asks me through the sobs, "You know how we have private parts?" She points both hands to her chest and then in between her legs. My heart starts racing and I nod. "Sheldon told Auntie Laurette that Chad touched him in those places."

I had never felt this angry in my entire life. I could have broken something, I could have screamed until my vocal cords snapped. My hands filled with sweat and I am trying not to cry. If Mom is a mess, I can't be. "She is threatening to call the police" she wheeped. My brain has blocked out the rest of that conversation. When everything was said and done, we sat outside for a bit as Mom wiped up her tears. Dad was in the garage this whole time and I worry about what was going through his head. I am also scared that he is angry, I remind myself to keep my distance. I also worry about Chad, I knew he would never do that to someone. He is a good kid. He is my brother for crying out loud; I want to scream again, he does not deserve this.

I starred at nothing, my nine year old brain was trying to process it all. What Sheldon did to me, is what he is accusing Chad of doing to him, and Laurette wants to call the police, but I didn't know that was something a person could get in trouble for? I felt guilty. If I had told someone, would Sheldon have done this? I hate Sheldon, he has ruined my family's life. I remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom that night, listening to Mom cry as she talks to Chad. 

"We're going to fight this" she sobs, "this is not right and not fair to you"

I sob into my pillow, making sure I am quiet enough that Mom doesn't hear me through the wall. Chad needs Mom more right now. In the days that followed, I remember Mom on the phone with Laurette begging her to not call the police and ruin the family. She thought Chad needed help and making this call will give him the right resources. Our whole family is suddenly split in half, but no one is on our side. My family becomes the outcast. 

We struggled for money as we lawyered up, our family camping was no longer a tradition due to court orders, Mom and Dad fought everyday, and I was interviewed by police officers and social workers for weeks. My life is miserable and I am only nine years old. 

I fear every night that I will loose my brother tomorrow.