Beyond The Distant Star (COMPLETE, Tag-lish, Romance, AE_Topes, TopesStories)

5 - The Words

Present

"The cancer grew back and now it's in my blood."

These words reverberate in my head as I stare at your photo in the About the Author section of one of your books where you look so lively. How I wish you remained this way.

A tear falls from my eye and it's too late to stop it. It drops on the page and dampens it.

I close the book as I hold my forehead, crying. Then, I put my hands together with both elbows resting on my knees and begin to utter a silent prayer:

Please. I still have hope. Don't take that away from me.

Before Paul let me leave the meeting room, he gave me an advice: that I have to get through this stage — this yearning to have the power to change things — when ultimately, I am in fact powerless.

He said I am at what is called the 'bargaining stage', and that I have to get through this but that's easier said than done.

***

Past

"I... I'm sorry, Ali," I muttered, feeling lost.

You smiled and touched my chin, gently lifting my head up.

"Don't be. Naka-schedule na ako for a stem cell transplant next month. They found a healthy donor."

Still in disbelief, I tried to be optimistic.

"That... that's good, right?" I asked, putting on a smile for you.

"Will that help? Is everything going to be okay?"

There was no space in my mind and in my heart for another bad news so I was really hoping for a good one.

"It means there's still hope," you said.

"All the chemotherapy I've been through damaged my bone marrow so it needs to be replaced. If the operation is successful, I get another chance at life."

Our eyes cannot lie, Ali. We could say different things but our eyes give our true emotions away. Right then, I knew you had your doubts.

"What's the success rate?" I asked, avoiding your eyes so you won't read mine.

"Fifty percent," you replied. My heart sank.

"It's a big risk to take, I know, pero it's better than nothing, right?"

I could not let you down so I stayed positive but I couldn't deny that I'm still worried.

"Yeah. I guess that's true."

Then, you held my hand and said "Thanks for coming, Josh."

You reminded me of the reason I went looking for you.

"Sorry, Ali. I know the timing is wrong, pero gusto ko lang malaman. Are you still mad at me?"

I looked at you with a hopeful expression. I really did not want to leave things on bad terms with you and was hoping that this discussion could help us move forward.

"I know I screwed up and I'm really sorry about that, but please don't close yourself from me. Kahit hindi ka na interesado sa akin, I... I hope we can still be friends."

Nervousness enshrouded me as I waited for your answer, but you surprised me when you chuckled.

"Josh... do you really think that in this condition, I can still afford to be angry at anyone?"

You were right. I felt silly.

"Oo nga naman," I laughed at myself. "I'm sorry for even asking you that."