I Will Wait

Chapter 4

 My body felt like a weight too heavy to carry. My only support, the wall behind me. Without it I would be like that soccer ball, rolling down the stairs with nothing to stop me from clambering to the floor. The heart that thumped in my chest pounded and pounded till I could hardly breathe.

I broke his heart.

How could I have been so selfish?

How could my mom have said something?

How could I have thought he would not remember?

I needed to leave. NOW. Like right that instant or my whole body would grow numb and I would never move again. Mr. and Mrs. Rueban would find me on the stairs, a frozen statue and wonder what I had done. Two penalties. Breaking their son's heart and snooping around the stairs, listening in on how much I had actually hurt him.

My hands pressed against the wall were the only things that could steady me as I stood to my feet. I pushed myself up to the best of my abilities, every limb shaking. My breaths felt cut off, like there was a door slamming shut with each inhale. One forced inhale and lengthy exhale later I was stable enough to make it all the way to the bottom of the stairs. It would be a miracle to be outside in the cool night air. I prayed some form of clarity would clear up my foggy brain or I would wake up from this chaotic nightmare, but did monsters in nightmares actually appear as the mistakes you had made? Or just funky, hairy things with twenty arms.

"Selah!"

No.

It was him. I ignored the sound of his words chasing after me and darted out of the house. Not able to face him in this state of panic. His voice carried behind me in a chorus of words that sounded something like dessert. What did that have to do with anything? Did he not understand that I had flipped everything upside down? Why was he happy? Why was he still trying to pull me back?

I pushed the door open, the cool summer air hit my face and all at once. I could breathe. The stars covered the sky, no smog or clouds hindering their sparkling light. The door slammed behind me and nobody followed, it was a small blessing.

Lord, what have I done?

I had half the to walk home. When Joel started texting me, freaking out about my absence I could text him, but he was not easily freaked so I figured he would be just fine without me. He knew that ninety-percent of the time my decisions were wise. Hopefully to my benefit he would not think this was one of those ten-percent moments.

Since nobody chased after me when I reached the end of the block I figured it was ok to stop running and walk the rest of the way home. It was only a ten minute drive anyway, it would take me roughly half an hour to reach home at the rate I was walking, or more like wandering like a lost puppy trying to find her way home.

Wind billowed through the air lazily, running through my short hair, flinging it into my face. It would have looked like one of those dramatic sad moments in movies where the girl is shivering and walking away from the man who had seemingly broken her heart except for the fact that it was not a dramatic moment that appeared beautiful in a depressing sort of way. I kept spitting hair out of my mouth and unsuccessfully tucking it behind my ears. Plus, I had messed up, not Caleb, and he was not chasing after me.

Besides the natural noises of a busy town the night was quiet. The voices in my head, on the other hand, were as loud as a raging tornado. The contents within my brain were nothing but what I had done. I mean, was it really that horrible? I wanted to shout into the night. To scream out and demand from God that all of this be fixed. But, I would wake up my whole neighborhood if I did such a thing so I strolled up the street in the most casual way I could.