♡︎ Without Me {Matt Sturniolo} ♡︎

Without Me Chapter Four

Without me chapter four

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Rinse, and repeat. Rinse and repeat. That's what it seemed like his days were to Matt. He was waking up, having a terrible day. Sleeping, more than he should even. And then waking up to do it all over again. Every day was uneventful, each day he managed to disappoint or piss off someone. And waking up?

Waking up failed to excite him anymore, it felt more like a chore. Sometimes he didn't even want to do it, he just knew he'd had to. But some days it was more than that. There were days where Matt would wake up where he wished to break the routine. Wished for it all to stop. There were days where Matthew would be more than okay with never having to wake up again.

But then his brothers, Christoper and Nicolas would come to mind. And he couldn't let himself stray on that thought anymore. Not because he didn't want to but because his brothers didn't deserve to have a dead brother.

He told himself he was just being melodramatic, never yet gave in to the thought of not waking up. It didn't change the fact that the idea was steadily growing day by day. Looking more appealing. Getting worse as it never left his mind.

If anything, the finality and peace that never waking up would bring to him was always a backup plan for him.

It was without a doubt that Matthew Sturniolo was only getting worse. So much worse that he didn't know who to tell, who to go to about that. What he did know was how incredibly exhausted he was. That if it came down to it that maybe not waking up wasn't such a bad thing. He couldn't keep holding out for his brother's.

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Chris Sturniolo was tired, no he was drained. His body depleted of any and all energy. School was one thing, it was tiring in itself. Practice on top of that though? Practice was another thing entirely. He thinks he'd used what was left of his energy at Lacrosse practice.

He probably had. In his defense, It wasn't like he'd had much of it to begin with. He hadn't gotten much sleep at all. A part of him had felt bad last night for leaving Matt, something in him had wanted to just come crawling right back to the elder's side. A recurring thought kept nagging at him. Saying that something was wrong. That It didn't feel right leaving his brother all alone. And it didn't.

What he'd said last to Matt felt even less right to him. But he had, he'd said and done what he had. And the mere fact that he had done so kept him up all of that night.

He'd gone through classes and Lacrosse practice with the encounter implanted in his mind. He'd tried to speak out on it when Matt had driven them home from school. He just didn't get too far in that.

How could he considering that Matt always did know how to change the subject on him.

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It's a few hours after school that Matt works up the nerve to go to his brother's room. The last full conversation he'd had with his younger brother had been heavy on his mind all throughout school. There had to be a reason behind Chris's insistence of figuring out what'd been up with him lately. Maybe Chris really did care, maybe the brunette could even help him. And Matt was just so tired of doing it all alone, he wanted to lessen the burden on his shoulders. To know what to do about any of this,

''Chris, I need to tell you something, you got a sec -'' Matt's voice cuts off, seeing the younger asleep. Lanky form sprawled out across Chris's bed. ''...Oh, never mind then,''

Matt finishes, his tone defeated. It's not just his tone that grows glum. His facial features sadden with it. Even as there's this soft look to it at seeing his brother asleep it's still inexplicably glum. And yet, despite his words he can't bring himself to leave just yet, having finally gained the nerve to tell the other about it all, from the bullying, to the harassment, all the way to how he'd been feeling as of late - just for the opportunity to be shot down. It was a lot...

Breaking himself away from his thoughts Matt takes in the fact that his brother had fallen asleep without a blanket. Then triplet turned away and started searching. After a few minutes had passed, Matt eventually found what he was looking for and tip-toed back to his younger brother's side. Standing about a foot away, the teen found himself hesitating, the baby blue colored blanket clenched in his hands dangled. Nearly touching the floor.

He wondered then If he covered up his brother, would it wake Chris up?

And that thought alone raised another question. Did he really want his brother to wake up? After a few moments of consideration, Matt shook his head in reply to his own question. No... he didn't really want to wake up Chris. But still... - he wanted... - he wanted his brother's comfort. For Nick or Chris to hug him as they used to. To cuddle him like when they were both younger.

He missed the easier days when he didn't need to ask for the affection. Matt missed it being given freely to him. Like when just a scraped knee would be enough to get hugs and a special hair ruffle, despite all the squirming he'd put up.

But... the seventeen-year-old didn't want to be a bother... Chris probably couldn't stand him after all the trouble he'd been lately anyway. Why would Chris want to give him a hug? He was pathetic. A freak, and freaks didn't deserve hugs. They didn't deserve anything. And yet... and yet...

Yet nothing.

Matt shut down that train of thought. Moving, Matt put the baby blue colored blanket over his younger brother's shoulders, smoothing it gently when it wrinkled up on itself. Taking a deep breath, Matt curled up near his brother. Resting his forehead on Chris's back. The younger didn't react.

"Chris, I need you, I need my brother," He whispered, tears welling up in his eyes as he spoke, "I can't... I don't even know what to do, or how to feel. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to not have to know how to feel. I just, I think I need - I need help. I know I do but I can't ask for it. I don't know why but something stops me every time I try," His voice cracked as the tears fell down his cheeks. "I'm not as strong as you, or Nick, I've tried,''

Nothing. Matt scrunched his eyes closed.

''I'm not strong at all and I don't know why you and Nick can't see that. Why I can't let you in even when I'm just screaming inside. I'm screaming and I don't know how to get you guys to hear me. Everything hurts and I just wonder what it'd be like for it to not,''

Matt's breath picks up a bit at the admittance. It wasn't like there was anyone to hear. Anyone to help him.

''I need you, Chris, I'm so alone,"

Matt slowly moved away, lifting his face from his brother's back. Throwing his hands over his mouth as the tears streamed down and his shoulders shook.

"I'm so alone and no one notices," He sobbed out as quietly as he could. "I can't - I miss you, Chris, I do. I miss you so much even though you're here right in front of me,"

Chris didn't move, the younger's shoulders rising and falling with each gentle breath and Matt sunk to the floor beside the bed. Chris hadn't woken up. Hadn't heard anything at all.

It seemed oddly fitting, that even right beside his brother the other still couldn't hear him. Matt was still so alone in this, and it hurt. His heart hurt, his body, everything did. Everything hurt. The tears in his eyes wouldn't stop falling.

No matter how many fell didn't matter. Anyone would lose count trying to keep up with that. Neither Christopher nor Nicolas would know of how many he shed. Especially not while Chris slept on.

''G'night, Chris,'' Matt whispered, his voice hushed, eyes darkened as his mind was enthralled in its own depression.

Feeling empty, Matthew listened to the soft snores for a minute or so longer. Until eventually he let himself rise and slide out of the room. It was easy, nobody stopped him. No one knew what was on his mind - what he'd almost confessed. He doesn't think Chris would've let him leave that room if the kid had known.

He leaves, although going completely unnoticed by him - Chris stirred as he shut the door behind him.

That night would be the first night Matt chose to go to the blade. That'd also be the last time he'd try going to his brothers. Matt was already so deep into his own depression that none of it mattered anymore.