♡︎ Without Me {Matt Sturniolo} ♡︎

Without Me Chapter Seven

Without Me Chapter Seven

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Fortunately, Nicolas had left the hospital, desperately needing a shower and a sense of relief from being out of the hospital. Even if only for a bit.

There was something so confining about being in a hospital, something that could leave just about anyone feeling trapped from being there too long. Nick was not a special case from that. Christopher got it, he understood why Nick had to leave for a little while. But even so, Chris himself stayed, still not wanting to be apart from Matt, feeling responsible for it all. It was a difficult decision when one really thought into it. Because while he didn't want to exactly leave Nick alone he also didn't want to leave Matt either. It didn't help that his prior conversation with Nick stuck in his mind, reminding him of how heavily Nick was struggling with this guilt as well.

Propitiously, Nicolas had told him to stay and keep Matt company. Not wanting the both of them to miss the chance of Matt waking up. So Chris did so, letting Nick leave as he stayed. And even afterward, even once Nicolas had left the room - his eldest brother's recent words, tears, and guilt stayed in his mind. Throughout it all, Chris had time to reflect. To think back on it all.

There'd been so many things he could've done differently, so many things he could've caught on to of saved Matt from doing this. He hadn't though. Although he knew he could be better for Matt and for Nick from now on. If Matt would only wake up now he promised he wouldn't ever miss anything like this again.

He knew that was true because even now, he couldn't bring himself to leave, couldn't find it in himself to want to leave Matt. And so, perhaps unwisely, he didn't.

He stayed, with nothing to do other than succumb to his thoughts, and his boredom. Stayed put even though the scene he had stumbled into; Matt's attempt, raided his mind. Stayed irrationally still within the hospital seat even when he was steadily finding himself with questions gathering more and more. And then, when he ran out of the will to come up with questions that wouldn't yet be answered and could no longer do that anymore without feeling sick to his stomach, he directed his attention to something else to pass time. Chris watched the visitors of the hospital filter in and out throughout the time he was there. It almost became a second nature.

Chris stayed. All for Matt. Until he physically could not look or even be in that hospital room any longer. He'd let himself be there until the stark white walls seemed suffocating and all too enclosed around him. Until the hospital, the sounds that occupied that room, and Matt's unchanged condition only reminded him of his mistakes. Of the things he hadn't yet been able to make amends for.

Only then did he admit to himself that he should follow in Nick's footsteps. That he should go home for now and needed a breather, that he needed away for the time being. It took all the nerve Chris had for him to finally leave the hospital that held his brother's unconscious form captive. He told himself it was something he needed though, Nick had already been home to take a shower and clean up, it was time he did the same.

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Upon arriving home nothing had changed much, he couldn't lie to himself. Couldn't say that he was doing any better than before. It was like his soul and will to do anything had been sucked away the very moment Matt had been placed in that hospital bed. However, this was still the most productive Chris had been in a while, he had to give it to himself. Once home he'd showered, changed, and attempted to distract himself with TV for a little while. But through that all none of it worked, none of it felt as normal as it once had.

Even he couldn't claim things were normal, that the distinct noises of the hospital's machines weren't embedded in his mind even once he'd left.

So yeah, he could say it'd taken him a while to leave Matt's side at the hospital, had taken him some time washing up as well. But It took Chris even longer for him to decide that he was ready for answers, that he was willing enough to go back into Matt's room. It's not that he wanted to either. Not that he wanted to remind himself of all the times his brother had sat in here alone, or think of the many times he'd let Matt down before Matt had resorted to such a thing. But he knew it didn't matter what he wanted, what made him uncomfortable or not wasn't something he needed to take into consideration. Not yet, not while his brother's pain hadn't been taken into consideration until something life-changing had happened. His pain and uncomfortableness were overcome by an overwhelming need to know why.