"I want her back! I want my mother back! Don't touch her!"
Repeating over and over again, no one hears you. You're just useless doll and your voice can't be validated. Controlled. Your feelings are just yours, why would anyone care, little girl? Heart racing. Losing your breath, choking on your tears.
"...Please."
Everything is bloody. Gloomy, despondent night. Chaos. You feel your lungs burning, your heart breaking. Weak. Your head is spinning, it feels like someone is playing a cruel joke on you.
"No!"
Soulless. Everything is silent, just ringing from the gunshot can be heard. Violence.
Scream.
Scream.
Scream.
Again, it's like a never-ending cycle. It was a terrible idea. Nothing can help at this point. Not pills, not a night light, not even therapy. Nothing. The nightmares still somehow crawl under your skin and torture your mind. The part of your past, that you want desperately to forget, is repetitively playing in your subconsciousness. The post traumatic stress disorder.
Waking up sobbing, sweating and screaming isn't the best feeling, nevertheless that's how it have always been for you. Instead of rested and ready for the day, you woke up tired more than ever. Red and puffy eyes, messy hair, dolly face wet from the tears, usual morning mirror reflection. Just breath, calm down, now it's over until you fall asleep again. The lack of it sounds way better than surviving this hell again. Your body is trembling, you're weak.
You tried standing up although your vision is blurry. You take a few steps with the help of the table next to you. Keep pushing forward, there is no place for the weak, that's what you've been taught.
*
You sit on the chair closest to you in the kitchen with a glass of water and the stress relief pills. Mind racing. Repeating the dream over and over again. It's out of your control, you don't have the control over your own mind anymore, actually you never had.
Sigh.
God why me?
Intrusive thoughts telling you to just end it all and overdose. You shake them off taking one pill and a gulp of the water. The pills are useless, they're just here to make placebo effect to hopeless fools. But you are one of them, you are very hopeless, it's like the life has been sucked out of your soul. You're empty. Even if you don't live in the toxic environment anymore, the toxic environment lives in you. It's like you're possessed with evil who you fight against. Or maybe you are the devil?
The fallen angel?
No, it can't be, now that you're on the good side of the law. No devil would help the helpless, feed the hungry, heal the injured and fight the injustice.
What if I don't belong here?
Zoning out again, rethinking the same thought numerous times. Living alone doesn't really help, living with someone would just make it worse. You find people insufferable, they find you disturbing.
The rays of the sun bloom and signify the morning. They slowly spread around your apartment and plant a soft kiss on the naked skin of your neck after caressing your head with the warmness of the new day. Embrace it. Give it a try. New day, new chance, except that nothing changes, you're still you and you'll always be you and no one else, you're trapped in your own body and you can't escape the corpse you're controlling, living dead girl. Your body is just your corpse, it died a long time ago but even then you're trying to heal yourself. Your past is not vanished. Your hands are still not washed, they're bloody...they're bleeding.
The tears drop and hit the kitchen counter. Why are you crying, y/n? You're safe now, don't be ungrateful, you know some of them are still suffering in the hell you escaped from, what would they say? They'd rather just choke you to death. It is how it is, they would escape if they had a chance too right? Would they? Or is it just you? Just like a dog. You were always just a dog! If the door is a little opened, you'll run away without a hesitation, without a question...The dogs are loyal, so why do they run away? Well, a dog like you only needed the soothing hands to pet it and the silky voice to promise that it's going to be alright, and what did it get? A hard slap and a harsh command.
Sit, lay, walk, eat, bark, come here, go away.
