Tainted

Accismus

Accismus | feigning disinterest in something while actually desiring it
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Ariadne
Growing up I had little to no room for mistakes.

It makes for a difficult childhood to be restricted from making the same mistakes everyone around me seemed to be making. It didn't help once I entered my teenage years either. I envied those who could carelessly go about their lives and still somehow enjoy it just as much, if not more than those who don't.

I never let curiosity get the best of me though. I knew better than to do that.

I often questioned if it was just me who had to be restrained from living out my teenage years in the ways people tend to do in movies or books. I tried to convince myself that they were just fictional stories and not meant to be lived out, and that worked up to a certain point in my life. During my junior year of high school is when I came to realize that people are living the fantasy I have desired for years. Granted I did go to an only girls school for all my life, so my new discovery wasn't all that huge, but it was then that I recognized that most of the girls were living the life I longed for.

They weren't cooped up at home and expected to be studying every hour of every day. Instead, they were surrounded by laughter and love.

I watched from a distance and often imagined myself in their shoes, as sad as that sounds. That was the closest I could get to living a somewhat normal life. Even though nothing about my life has ever been normal.

My Papá's business affiliations always put my family, specifically me, at risk.

Eyes were always on me wherever I went, and I had to be incredibly careful with the people I talked to.

Especially with men.

Papá said I was to stay away from every man and avoid any interaction with them, especially Italian men since they would likely be apart of the Mafia hunting me down because of my father. He was trying to keep me safe, and I knew that. I came to realize what these men were capable of, and so I always tried my best to steer away from them.

Not that it was difficult to. I had yet to find a decent looking man and considering the millions of stories Mila has told me about the guys who did her wrong, I was thankful of my Papá's rule.

He said that men only wanted me for other things, which I figured meant for sex. He didn't say that out loud though. Instead, he insisted that no one will love me for me, and I must abide by his rules in order to find someone who will.

I was never quite sure why I was guaranteed to find someone who will truly love me if I obeyed my Papá, but I never bothered to ask. I didn't have much interest in finding a partner, as I was way too occupied with my goal to become a lawyer.

I figured now that I would be going to college, things would be different. Different as in I would be able to gain my parents' trust. I'm much more mature now that I'm turning eighteen, and I have worked extraordinarily hard to reassure them that I am to be trusted.

I feared my Papá wouldn't be happy to hear about my plans to move away for college.

He certainly wouldn't be happy to hear I plan to move hours from home. Papá couldn't bear to be away from me too long, and it angered him if I was. Though that rarely happened.

Until now.

The problem was once Papá said no, I couldn't argue back. He didn't negotiate, nor did he care to look at things from other people's perspective. I knew that if I wanted him to let me go, I had to persuade him in a way that reassured him that I am capable of taking care of myself whilst maintaining his trust.