Tainted

Dépaysement

Dépaysement | when someone is taken out of their own familiar world into a new one
-
Ariadne
Today was the day.

The day I die.

I was a pretty good sleeper; I never had trouble falling or staying asleep, but last night was different. I was restless and on edge.

It might seem like I'm overreacting or exaggerating, but I knew there was absolutely no way I'd be able to walk freely if I were to get caught tonight. It also didn't help that I didn't have any experience when it came to lying and sneaking out, but I guess that's not a horrible thing?

I'm not even quite sure.

All I've ever known is that these things are forbidden and acting on them wouldn't be good. Considering the punishments my parents gave me for little things, I couldn't imagine what I had coming for me if they knew about this.

I thought I'd feel different turning eighteen, but I still felt the same. I am no different than I was yesterday, all that's changed is my willingness to experience things my parents consider to be sins. Turning eighteen means finally becoming an adult. I've always heard people say once they turn eighteen they'll finally be free of their parents, and their parents don't protest to this statement. I never saw that this was an option for me.

To be quite honest, my parents never discussed what happens after I turn eighteen, but from the looks of it, they were hell bent on controlling every aspect of my life regardless of my age.

I often wished for a sibling just to have someone who was going through the same thing as me, and of course to get some of the attention off me. Being an only child means being the center of attention, and all the focus was on me. At times that was overwhelming, for all my movements were watched and controlled.

It wasn't all bad. They had their good moments, although rare, there have been times where they praise me for all my accomplishments. Papá always says that tough love is necessary, which is why he's so hard on me. In many ways, I do believe it's worked and prevented me from making the wrong choices.

Well until now.

Because of the unexpected guests last night, I was unable to tell my Papá that my plans for tonight had changed. There was a good chance he would decline immediately, and if that were the case then I'd just go back to my old plans. That is if Bella and Mila would want to, but I didn't want to be a burden.

I got ready for the day, trying to keep it as simple as possible. I wasn't one to go all out for my birthday, not that I was ever allowed to. I wished for parties as a child, but the closest thing I ever got to a party was when Papá invited Mila and her family over for my birthday.

It was fun though, and it was also better than nothing.

I had already planned out how I would ask Papá to spend the night at Mila's in my head. It sounded convincing and not at all suspicious; however, the problem was the way in which I would deliver this proposal.

My voice tends to let me down by becoming shaky or fading completely. Papá often questions my ability to one day become a lawyer and thinks it's rather just a waste of time and money that I take this route. I disagreed with him, but that doesn't mean his rude remark didn't turn into an insecurity of mine that I now think back to every time I speak.