A Time For Christmas

Morning Yoga

STEF POV

"I want you all to stretch. Stretch your arms, your legs, and breathe. Breathe in deeply and relax your muscles. Relax all the tension you feel and that has been building up in your body. Close your eyes and just breathe, relax, and release it all." The yoga instructor says as I look over at Lena, who is doing exactly as she says rather effortlessly. 

I had only done yoga and mediation with Lena during my physical therapy session at home, but never in public like this. I thought it would be okay, but I feel rather foolish as she opens her eyes and looks over at me and smiles. I stick my tongue out at her as she giggles as I look around, seeing everyone with their eyes closed. 

"I feel like a fool." I whisper to Lena as she laughs.

"You don't need to do it right. Just try silly, girl. Don't be shy." She whispers back. "Then we can head to the bakery." 

 I laugh again as she smiles and closes her eyes as I try to do the same. I never was good at this yoga stuff or mediation for that matter, but I wanted to at least give it a try, especially after last night.

Lena and I had a really nice day yesterday, and our dinner in the igloo was wonderful, too. Then, of course, me and my foolish self,  almost spilled something because I don't know what in the hell had gotten into me.

There was no way I was going to wreck our friendship over these confusing feelings I was having for Lena. No way, and had the stupid fireworks not gone off, there was a chance I might have said something to her and ruined everything.

That alone was embarrassing because I had not had a panic attack like that since the Labor Day fireworks that went off in the city. Lena, of course, had stayed beside me all night, and I had woken up in her arms this morning as she still held me tight, not letting go for a second.

I felt terrible for ruining our nice night with my stupid PTSD and, I just wanted to get over it and put a cap on whatever my feelings were so that I could continue to enjoy the rest of the holiday with my best friend at this wonderful hotel.

The point of this trip was for Lena to get time away, and I just didn't want to ruin it or make more work for her, which I felt like I did last night. She was so patient and caring, and to me, she deserved so much in this world. More than I could give her.

"Now, I want everyone to keep their eyes closed and listen to my voice," the instructor continues." This is a busy time of year, and it can be a stressful time of year. And sometimes it's hard to put things into perspective. What I want you all to do is really focus. Focus on that one thing, person or place that makes you happy. That you feel most centered around, that makes you feel like yourself, that makes you smile, laugh. It can be anything and anyone because this is very personal. It is personal to you."

"Maybe focus on a certain time that changed your life in a wonderful way. Why did it? Who was it? Maybe it was a place? How can you bring that same happiness into the new year? What did this place feel like? What does this person sound like? How do you feel when you are around them or hear their voice? Take all the time you need to really feel this as it begins to relax your mind and your soul. Really... really.. focus."

Her voice is soft as images of the year begin to flood my brain as I see Lena and I walking in Central Park with Bird, who runs ahead of us laughing and giggling. I see Lena trying to help me learn how to walk again as I have fallen countless times. I see her holding me and watching movies together as I rest my head in her lap. I see her helping me cook dinner as she laughs at my dumb jokes and hugging me when I get home from work and kissing my cheek. I see her smile, I see her beauty, and I see her contagious laughter.

But, I also see Tess, I see Tess.....Tess waving goodbye to me. Like she did last year when Bird finally broke down about the shooting. It must have escaped my mind before, but Tess had kissed the top of my head and whispered that Lena loved me and that it was okay for me to love her back. But, but...Lena and I were best friends, and sometimes I couldn't help but wonder if me seeing Tess all those times was my mind playing tricks on me. Or was it? How could Lena love me? And...if..if she did, why? I could never be...I could never be someone amazing for her. A friend, yes, but for me to think I could be anything more. I...I don't know.

Opening my eyes, I feel tears run down my cheek as I look over at Lena, who still has her eyes closed, and tears run down her cheek as well. I can't help but reach over and grab her hand as she opens her eyes and turns to look right at me.

"Everyone you can open your eyes. We are going to do the second part of our meditation right after the break. Help yourself to some water and tea, and holiday cookies." The instructor says as Lena wipes her tears. 

"Are you okay?" I ask as she sniffles and nods her head. 

"Yeah. Was... thinking about my uncle. Are you?"

"Yeah. Tess." I lie partly as she squeezes my hand. "Do you want to skip part two and go to the bakery?"

"Absolutely!" She says as we both grab our things and quickly head out the room as I feel her gently grab my hand, stopping me.

"Are you okay, Le...Lena?" 

"Tonight, I want to take you somewhere, Stef."

"Shouldn't I take you somewhere since I messed up the igloo last night." I laugh awkwardly as she shakes her head.

"Stop that. You didn't mess anything up. I had a wonderful time with you. You did nothing wrong. But, after dinner I'll show you where I want to take you, okay? Now, ready to stuff our face at the bakery, or am I going to have to make these gingerbread muffins myself!" She teases as she puts her hand on her hip, and I laugh. 

"Of course I am ready!" I say as she looks up, then back down in my eyes and smiles. "What? What are you smiling at, silly?"

"Mistletoe."

"Mistletoe?" I look above our heads, seeing it hanging right there as I glance back into her eyes, and she leans in and quickly peeks my lips, taking me by surprise.

"Okay, let's go, my beautiful!" She grins and smiles but leaves my stomach to feel butterflies like never before.