A Time For Christmas

Love Part II

STEF POV

As I lay here with Lena in my arms, I never fathomed, making love to another woman besides Tess, ever in my life, and I never thought I'd could love anyone ever again. But, here I was, and my heart was so in love with Lena and had been for months. Even if my brain felt confused and conflicted, I was relieved to get it out in the open and surprised. I guess that Lena felt the same.

The shooting and what it had done to me had really impacted my confidence. No part of me thought I was attractive even if I was able to do many things I wasn't able to do last year or even a few months ago. It still did something to me, and I had doubts about what I'd be like for Lena as a girlfriend. If she wanted that.

There were still many, many days my heart felt shattered over Tess, over how she died and how we'd never make a life together or have a child together. Ever. It was a constant hard pill to swallow, and there was not one day that went by that I didn't miss her or the life we had together.

At times, I wondered what our life had been like. If we still would have moved to the suburbs, how many children we would have had, and if we would still be cops. Neither of us ever thought of another career, so I assumed we'd still be with the NYPD, but I was now left to wonder about it all. 

The one thing I was working on in therapy was survivors guilt, which I knew my brother was struggling with, too, and why Tess had to die in the way she did.

It would never be okay with me, none of it, and it would always haunt me. But I was still learning that it was okay to make a new life, to fall in love again, and to be happy.  But, it wasn't easy at all many days. However, I'd continue to work on it for myself and for Bird and Lena.

Feeling Lena move a bit and hold me closer, she lifts her head up and rests her chin on my naked chest. I softly smile at her as I run my fingers through her pretty curls and stare right into her beautiful brown eyes. 

"Hi." I whisper as she smiles at me as I feel myself blush.

"Hey, beautiful." I blush again at her compliment as she leans up and kisses me softly on the lips. "How are you feeling, baby? Do you feel okay?"

"I..I do. Last night was...it was nice, sweetheart." I stroke her face affectionatly now as we softly kiss once again. Leaning on her side now, she runs her finger over my stomach and up to my face, where she traces my lips and jaw line.

"It was really nice. You regret it?"

"No...not..not at all. I've...I've felt things for you for a long time. I think it was just clouded in my head. I still, at times, my brain and thinking, get muddled."

"I know, and that's okay. We practice focusing on one thought at a time and write it down. Does that help, sweetheart?" We both sit up as I pull her into my arms, and we link our fingers together.

"Yes. It does. But, I..I always wonder when and if my brain will always do that. Sometimes, I'm okay. Other times, it's..it's all over." I say, looking into her eyes now. "I have doubts still about being Bird's mother and...

"And?"

"I mean it when I said you deserve the best, Lena. I..I meant that."

"I know, and you are the best, for me, and for that little girl. No human is perfect. If I wanted perfection, I'd marry a robot." She says as I laugh now, rubbing her fingers.

"And you... you are perfect for me too, baby. I was um..I was hoping you'd be my girlfriend?" I boldly ask as she grins wide at me straddling my lap as I blush deeply again.

"Well.. I was hoping you'd be MY girlfriend! If you wanted?" She teases as I play with a strand of her pretty curls just marveling at how beautiful she really is.