ADDICT: Thoughts of a Guilty Man

Despair

I am like a man who is full of frustrations. I feel like I'm being consumed from the inside by my own desires, my own wishes. My own wants.
I scream to the sky in my loneliness, hoping that somewhere out there someone will hear me. I don't care who, I don't care where. But no-one hears me.

I'm screaming all my pain, I'm screaming all my distress. All my desires, I'm letting them out.
Love
Joy
Peace
Education
Financial security
Emotional stability
Romance
Independence
Meaningful relationships...
The list goes on and on, and so my scream doesn't have an end. But my lungs are giving out, I'm running out of breath. And even that is frustrating in itself. My own lungs cannot support me.

I feel lost and so alone. I know I'm not alone but I feel that way. I can't be the only one. And yet all I hear is the sound of my own despair, echoing into the deep blue of the sky. Reminding me of what I'm trying to let go. Getting louder and louder until it fills my ears. Until it's all I hear. When I look around in this field of green, all I see is my own frail figure shadowed black onto the ground below.

I tug at the grass in desperation, rage growing deep inside of me. I'm seething with bloodshot eyes as my spine curves and arches, the bones growing sharper. My fingers elongate with each rake across the ground.
Bones grow out of my back as I scream in agony, but I feel no pain. Only emptiness inside. My eyes become hollow black pits as despair eats me from the inside. Rage foams at my mouth, dripping my life force onto the grass beneath what are now long ugly claws.

I look around but see nothing. What once was good is now no more. Pale skin hanging loosely on bones, like a cloth draped over a couch. Teeth fall out of a broken grin to the earth below, shattering and scattering like dust upon impact.

I cry out desperately for a touch, for someone to hear my voice, until that song is all I know. I crawl the earth helplessly, dragging each step heavily across the grass.

And I cry.
I cry for all the years I've spent seeking all those things. I cry for all the things I've lost. I cry for my soul. I cry for the hurt my heart has ached. I cry for you and myself too. I cry for all the time I've spent aimlessly. I cry for all the years I've wasted. And I cry all the tears I've kept.

Hollow inside, without a face or a name, I wander with tears streaming down my face. I shiver from the cold, I hide from the sun. I wish tomorrow would never come. But the sun doesn't set, and the night does not appear. The sky is burning a deep red hue, resembling the colours of all my fears.
I come across a stream and I am repulsed by my own image that stares back at me. Empty. Hollow. A broken record. A disfigured creature without a face or a name. I see the monster I have become. The monster despair has turned me into.

The monster you made me.