Imaginary Lover

Chapter 17

A/N- I'm back! Wow! I wrote! This story is ending in a couple of chapters which is why the postings are after so long. I'm trying to extend my journey with this story for as long as I can. I love it to bits and the prospect of it ending is painful. So, please bear with the slow updates!

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"Didn't you want to show me something?" Cas asked as he stood behind Dean who was currently rinsing and putting dishes into the dishwasher. Dean's body stiffened momentarily before he continued to put plates and cutlery away. Yes, he remembered what he had said and wasn't planning on going back on his decision. It was difficult for him, to reveal a part of him he kept private and hidden for his eyes only. He had a problem wording his feelings, what he truly felt but was unable to. His only release had been art and words and poetry. A jumbled pot of feelings translated into various forms in an attempt to understand himself.

Showing Castiel the journal now, at this point, when it contained not just his past pain and blood and nightmares but also his hopes and love and future and everything in between. Something he had kept to himself for a while and the offer to show Cas had just slipped out, like it had been dragged from his lips by an unknown force. He had no idea what his intention had been, to gauge his reaction with his own eyes or to let him know about the power he held over Dean. It was risky and a lot had already been risked before this.

Feeling courage spread through his veins he stood up straight and turned to look at Cas. With his hands on his hips and a look of feigned curiosity on his face, Dean steeled his heart and convinced himself that nothing would go wrong and it would all be for the best.

"Yeah. Just let me get done with all these dishes and I'll show you when we go upstairs." Dean turned away but saw the nod Cas gave him before leaving and going to the living room. Bracing his arms against the counter Dean drew in a deep breath and let it out through his nose. Cas was curious, intrigued to know what he had to reveal. He reflected in his mind to the pages that sat upstairs in his bedside drawer. Each new page recreated itself behind his eyes as though they were right in front of him. With each page, he felt nervous and queasy, reluctant even to show his heart inked on paper.

What if he doesn't like it and thinks I'm too clingy or-or laughs in my face? Dean let out a frustrated growl as negative thoughts and unfavourable scenarios filled his mind. Not one had Cas elated and glad for Dean showing him his heart. Each was a variation of Cas just laughing in his face, telling him he was clingy and he lied to him so that he would take him back only to use him for sex and then dump him. Razor sharp pain lanced through his heart and he punched the counter in frustration.

The only way he would learn Cas's true reaction would be to show him the journal. Taking in another deep breath, Dean willed away every bad thought. He lost himself in putting the remaining dishes into the dishwasher and within a few moments found himself putting in the detergent and turning the machine on. After staring and listening to the rumbling and groaning of the washer, he slowly made his way out to the living room. Seeing that there was no one sat there, he made his way to the staircase and looked in the direction of his bedroom where the truth would be decided.

Each step felt like a trial and each breath laboured as Dean walked up to the staircase. He was acting as though he was on trial for committing a crime and not just going to show his journal to his companion. He had found the Tardis ring in a corner near his study table but for some reason, hadn't put it on. Maybe this will decide if I should put it back on or not. Too much rested on what was going to happen and even though it sounded irrational, in his mind, it was a way to test if the relationship would be worth it in the time to come or not.

It felt as though an age passed before he was standing in front of his bedroom and gazed at the yellow light that crept from under the door crack. His mind flashed to the last time he'd felt like these and felt bile rise up in his throat when he remembered the aftermath of that encounter. He muttered before going in. "It's just Cas, it's only Cas. He won't hurt me. Have courage."