Ella Toone's struggle

Secret revealed (1)

Warning, contains mentions and descriptions of sh.

England were playing Germany today in the world cup and since she realised how much pressure was on the team, Ella had been struggling more than she cared to admit. She had never had the best mental health and she liked to play it down because in her head she would always tell herself that others had it worse and that she was just seeking attention.
Ella and Alessia were sharing a room next door to Georgia and Mary and opposite Lucy and Kiera. Alessia partly knows about Ella's self destructive habits and is always there to support her when needed but Ella had never truly opened up to Alessia so if anything were to happen then she would be in shock. That thought played on Ella's mind constantly, what if anyone found out about her habits.

Alessia: Ella what's up? You have been very quiet today

Ella: nothing less, just thinking about the game tomorrow

Alessia: thinking about how you're gonna score a big chip again like you did last time ?

Ella: haha, no not quite

Alessia: well I'm gonna go to bed now, everyone in the other rooms are all asleep

Ella: oh yh i guess it is late

Alessia: Ella, promise me you will go to sleep soon, I have noticed you barely sleeping and you look tired throughout the day

Ella: what? I'm getting enough sleep, I'm getting more than enough

Alessia: sure, if you say so, but it's a big game tomorrow so make sure you are all rested up well, goodnight Ella

Ella: I will I promise, goodnight less

It had just turned 12 in the morning and everyone was fast asleep in their rooms, Ella had promised less she would go to sleep by 11 but that plan had gone out the window, Ella just couldn't sleep with all the thoughts rushing through her head.

Inside Ella's head: what time is it? 12, shit I promised less I would go to sleep, will she be annoyed at me? I hope not, I'll just go to sleep now.
What's the time? Only half 2, why am I waking up, I need to sleep I have a big game tomorrow, ok I'll try again, time? 2:35 am, fuck why can't I sleep. The voice in my head is getting louder now, why do I hate myself?, less is asleep I can't start crying now, fuck why won't the tears stop, I promised less I was fine and nothing had happened since my last breakdown, that was 3 months ago and I mean no I haven't got better but she and the team don't know that. I haven't told less about the sh and the starving myself because ik she has her own things to deal with. Fuck now I'm thinking about it, I'm starting to get the urge. My blade is in my bag in the inside pocket with my lashes, if I get up quietly maybe less won't wake up. Fuck it, I'm doing it.

Ella: there you are (smiling)

(She rolls up her sleeve and she thinks she locks the door, her crying is still going on but it's not loud so less can't hear it, she winces at the touch of the blade but as it drags across her arm she feels the release pour out, she does it 14 more times all in the same area but different lengths and deepness, she goes to do it again but stops)

In Ella's head: what am I doing? I have a world cup match tomorrow on TV I'm in the starting 11, I have to wear a t-shirt, I can wear skins but they're white and it will show through in places, shit shit shit, what am I going to do?

( Without realising it her cries got louder and she was curled up in the corner of the bathroom with blood dripping down her left arm and the blade on the floor In front of her, her face was all red and puffy and there were tears rolling down her cheeks)

Alessia: ( I can hear crying from the bathroom and I look over to see ella not in her bed, I get up to the door and it sounds like when Ella had her breakdown afew months ago, I knock on the door and say " Ella are you in there?", I don't get a response so I push the door forwards and it's unlocked)

Ella?

( I look in the corner and I can she her backed into the corner crying her eyes out with blood dripping down her arm, and is that a blade?, I rush over to her and put the blade on a high shelf, she is still bawling her eyes out apologising to me but I can't quite make out what she is saying, I run to the medical cabinet and grab bandages and tissue and disinfectant and run back to a very teary Ella)

hey Ella, Ella look at me, calm down it's ok we will get this sorted,

( she is still apologising and the thing that catches my ear is when she says " I'm so sorry less, I didn't want you to find out about this", has she done this before?)

Ella please calm down it's ok, I'm here for you, please show me your arm I need to clean it up.

(She reaches her arm out and two of the cuts are still bleeding, I grab the tissue and apply pressure to the wound, she winces slightly but I'm more worried about these not getting infected, after a minute they stop bleeding and I can clean them with the disinfectant wipes, I clean up the cuts and dry it with the tissue and wash her bloodstained arm and hand, I then put plasters over all of the cuts and put everything away)

I'll be right back Ella, don't move from here ok, I'll be one second

(She replies with a very shaky nod and I quickly put things away and rush back to her, she is still crying and she has blood stains on her shirt and shorts, I ignore all the questions going through my head for now and just sit next to her as she flops into me into a giant hug, we sat there for what felt like hours, untill Ella sat up and tried to stand up to grab some tissue but she just fell)

Woah, Ella sit down I'll get it for you

(She is probably very lightheaded and I decide to carry her into our room and I place her down on my bed, usually she refuses to let me pick her up like she is a baby but she is too weak and out of it to argue back at the moment)

Get comfy ok, your sleeping in my bed so I can watch after you

( She doesn't argue back and starts to scratch at where the plasters are and I grab her hand and hold it so I know she doesn't hurt herself again, her crying has stopped but her face is still red and her breathing is very fast and shaky)

No Ella, no scratching, please I don't want you to hurt yourself again

Ella: ( I think about what to say, I thought I locked the door but clearly I didn't, I never wanted less to know bout this, I never wanted anyone to, she walked in on me crying with blood all over me and a blade on the floor, that must have been scary for her, my arm still stings alot but the pain is kind of comforting, less is still holding my hand, I hadn't noticed untill I went to scratch again, she was so good though, she cleaned me up and she doesn't seem mad, but I feel like i have really upset her, no one should ever have to walk into that and she did, all because I can't keep my fucking mouth shut)

I'm so sorry less, that was never supposed to happen, I tried to sleep I promise but my head was too loud and I don't know why I did it, I'm so sorry you had to see that I thought I had locked the door but-

Alessia: Ella, shush ok, we will talk about this later, right now it is half 3 in the morning, I want you to go to sleep, we have a big game tomorrow and we need you in your top form, this was just a little hiccup ok.

Ella: but less, you shouldn't have had to see or help me throu-

Alessia: Ella Toone, sleep now, you will be right next to me so if anything happens I will know ok, we will sort this later I promise goodnight ( I give Ella a massive hug, I know she has been struggling alot for a long time but she never told me it escalated to her hurting herself, I just hope we can sort this)

Ella: goodnight less, thankyou ( she gives me a massive hug and all I can feel is guilt, she shouldn't have had to go through that and now she is giving up her sleep schedule to hold my hand to stop me from scratching and being in the same bed as me so that she knows if I need help)