Beyond your Blues

Chapter Three

Hey TOOKIES.sorry for the delay,and here's the double update I've been waiting for all week to post!

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When i fell down my vespa scooter,a part of me died.

My sanity.

Cause i woke up mad.completely out of it.in my mind i felt like i was somewhere else.i woke up confused and with no clue when i was born or where.when in reality I awoke with my life a lie and a mess.i felt so stupid and it wasn't even the beginning.I wasn't born the year i claimed i did.I didn't even know myself.

I remember vaguely.i remember a very few dates and saw a few of my childhood photos dated the exact years everyone around me said and i do remember.

I even went to the extent of checking my birth certificate,i was so sure of myself.I remember sitting in the store room in my house,with all those documents scattered around me,crying and refusing to accept it.i even called my father a liar,which I regret doing so in every walking moment of my life.

The person who sacrificed his life to raise me and never loved me any less any day,he didn't deserve what happened to me and the burdens that came with it.in any way i grieve cause he was hurt more than i ever was.

He couldn't bear watching his child call herself a lunatic and everyone around her a liar.

The doctor said that it happens sometimes.you get confused with the years when you have a concussion and the recovery process is severe,too much for our brain to process and accept.
In my mind i was behind a few years.it took time for me to coop up.accept that it is my life now,accept that i needed help in the head,needed therapy.

I had a hard time accepting that I'm in the year i am now if that even makes sense.
And it only got worse for about a month,when all the dreams started getting out of hand.

I once thought that that was a part of my cooping mechanism.but guess not.

The first time i got a dream like that,i felt soo good,despite my life being a shit show it was like a breath of fresh air.what I'm gonna admit is a little embarrassing but.. I've never touched a boy like that before.never.
So getting a dream like that was i dare say thrilling,i enjoyed it even.

When that started getting out of hand is when i started staying up the whole night,sneaked drinks into the house and even did substances sometimes because that made me take my mind off the reality where everything was getting out of hand,so disorganised and there was no way for me in my head.

That was not my best moment.i got admitted when i fainted without sleeping and doing liquids for a week straight,because I couldn't process the fact that,at that time i was really becoming mentally unstable.

It would be an understatement to say that dad was disappointed,the worst part was that he blamed himself.
i did not touch alcohol more than a few shots after that,never to numb my pain at least,but that sadly cannot change the fact that i fucked up.big time.

The first month of copping was shitty,but it slowly started getting bearable.it was only two months of being friends with the medical shop owner after all.

I started therapy for dad.
Pops got me an appointment with his friend uncle John.he lives in Port.at that time when i was at home,he visited me the first time,and from then on for a month we had online sessions.but by coming here it turned to weekly sessions at his clinic.
I know.
it's complicated to hear,then what do you think i felt.
Dad was there and Liz was there,through everything.I'm so grateful.