Xiao Ran has a very clean temperament. Even when standing among gangsters, he never appears vulgar. He's like pine and cypress, like a snow-capped mountain, like someone whose face has been kissed by the Creator. He's special, although his expression is gloomy, his eyebrows, lips and nose are all gently curved – he is the most beautiful person I've ever been attracted to.
Covet: Desiring something one shouldn't have; an improper hope or attempt. This was the definition I found while tutoring him in his homework. I closed the book, watched his serious profile while doing the exercises, and put an end to all the inappropriate feelings from that night.
My escape was swift, leaving no trace. Almost everyone I've liked remains unaware of my ulterior motives. Despite being trapped in a lonely lack of genuine connection, my self-defensive style of unrequited love spared me from emotional hurt. Forgetting these things so quickly and decisively cutting ties seemed as heartless as it gets.
After so many years, for the first time I face the situation where moving forward could mean taking responsibility and letting go of my promise. I once caused his family's company to go bankrupt, and now I'm pulling him into an unconventional whirlpool of emotions. I can't imagine how his father will react when he sees me. I shouldn't be doing this; it's wrong. Yet, I want to get closer to him. The words I spoke in the ambulance were all sincere.
At this moment, Xiao Ran was standing in front of me, waiting for an answer for a long time now.
If, at this moment, he were to gently call me "Teacher," my throbbing heart would probably make a decision ahead of rationality.
"Well then, return the money to me. Live the remaining half of your life in peace. Put an end to these days of terror stricken conscience. The next time you meet someone you like, perhaps you'll be a little more calm." He said, "Shen Junyang, I've said it. I'm tired of living in the fantasy that you might like me. I promise, this time when you leave, you'll step out of my surveillance zone, and you won't see me again."
"Are you telling the truth?"
"False." Xiao Ran smiled, his eyes sparkling. "I want to see you. I can't help but see you."
"Teacher..." He walked over, embraced me and rested his head gently against mine, gripping the clothes behind me. "No one is more suitable than us. I'm not greedy; just give me a little bit of the love you have for Zhang Shuxian, just a little bit."
"That might not be possible. I have no love left for Zhang Shuxian." My chest is filled with everything I want to give to you.
Although the road ahead is difficult and dark, haven't we all walked through it?
I saw Zhang Shuxian wearing a hat, pushing a cart to move a box, and then heard the sound of police sirens approaching, creating chaos outside.
This world is very absurd, but what does it matter to me?
What matters is that the person holding me is someone I really want to spend the rest of my life with.
"You might not know that you were the first person I followed, initially, to supervise whether you went to school, but later..." I finally decided to confess everything, hoping fate will be lenient with me.
With a desire to covet each other, our ways of getting closer were equally wrong, anticipating to claim each other without permission in an imagined world. The real us are actually very difficult to get close to. When darkness meets darkness, it's not a match made in heaven. At most, it's to go astray together.
And I'm willing.
After hearing it all, Xiao Ran didn't know whether to laugh or cry, kissed my cheek and cursed softly, "Damn it."
He said, "We've wasted so many years. If we keep messing around, half a lifetime will pass. I don't even know... how I could tolerate you liking so many people over the years."
That night, when I moved into his place, I turned through the answers. He had written plans for "committing crimes." When Zhang Shuxian was talking to me, he took a picture and pasted it in his notebook marking it with x. Below it, he wrote: Since you won't belong to me, you won't get him either.
Honestly, at that moment, I wanted to throw the notebook at him.
Patiently going through it, he had orchestrated many plans for our reunion, none of which were realized.
"Don't read these anymore." Xiao Ran's hand reached over from behind, covering the contents. His face nestled against my shoulder, burning hot.
There were too many things like this in his studio. Perhaps it can be traced back to the end of his college entrance examination. In the future, perhaps all of this will still continue.
"Don't continue this kind of life, ok?"
"Who wants to live like this? With you by my side, I don't need any of these," he replied, dropping a kiss on my neck. He took the notebook, swiftly gathered some items and put them all in a box. It was evident there were things he didn't want me to see, his secrets.
As he was about to burn these things away, I stopped him, opened the box, and let the USB drive fall from my clenched fist. "This is someone else's secret; let's burn it too."
Zhang Shuxian was too trusting, never suspecting that I might have copied the things he didn't want others to see. My curiosity was so strong, I wanted to explore everything, and I found it hard to accept having unsolved mysteries.
However, since some secrets belong to others, the authority to dispose of them shouldn't be in my hands. It was true for Zhang Shuxian, and it was true for Xiao Ran.
"Burn it," I clapped my hands and smiled brightly.
"Don't you want to look at everything? Aren't you worried I might be hiding something from you?" Xiao Ran asked, picking up the USB drive. "What's inside his USB drive? Aren't you curious?"
"I can probably guess," I replied.
"You're not always right," Xiao Ran chuckled.
"For example?"
"That restaurant isn't mine, but I did work there before. The boss went back to his hometown during this time, and when I came to see him, he gave me the keys.”
“What were you doing at the restaurant?”
“Earning tuition fees. I needed a lot of money when I started my freshman year.”
His family underwent a huge change around the time of the college entrance exam, and all of this was caused by me: "Don't you hate me?"
“I hate you, I hate you so much that I want to perish with you. Some things in here belong to that part of hatred, and I can't let you see them.” He lit a corner of the paper, set it on fire, and threw it to the ground.
“What I did was indeed hateful. It's normal for these things to exist and I won't blame you if I see them.”
“You would feel sad if you saw them. How could I bear that?” He dropped everything he was holding and softly asked me, "Shall we start anew?"
In a trance, I smelled the scent of winter rain. In the midst of a thunderous sound, a soaking wet boy sat on the bed and looked at me, saying, "It hasn't started yet, maybe it never will."
Now, is the beginning.
T/N Note:
Wait.. author, at least tell me what was in that damn USB drive?
YOU ARE READING
Covet
Mystery / ThrillerAuthor: 死去的作者 I followed him, spied on him, and attempted to possess him. He reported to the police. But none of the crimes he described were committed by me. As a beast, I seem to have to engage in a battle with another beast. ...
