Covet

Chapter 9: Heavy Rain

　　"Then give up on me."

He lay on the bed, gently holding my fingers. "Okay, wait for a while. I'll give up on you."

"How long is a while?"

"Shen Junyang, before my college entrance exam, you said you'd leave for a while to buy a pack of cigarettes and come back. How long was your 'a while' back then? What you thought in your heart was that you would never come back." He withdrew his hand and sat up. "How long do you think my 'a while' is?"

He tilted his head, looking at me, as if waiting for an answer. Yet, this question wasn't pre-set with ABCD; the answer was both affectionate and accusatory.

I felt very uncomfortable. Whenever someone showed the slightest kindness towards me, I clung to it like a barnacle—hard and tenacious. I couldn't escape this strange emotional cycle. Every time I invested my emotions, I discovered that what the other person gives is nothing more than the ordinary goodwill of a stranger. If I don't even want such candy wrappers, I can't even smell the scent of candies.

The rain seemed to be getting heavier, as if the sky were pouring down soft stones, roaring down with terrifying sound. The air was filled with the foul and unpleasant smell of water, which made my head dizzy.

I couldn't help but cover my face with my hands and started crying.

"I'm not here to coerce you into loving me." Xiao Ran knelt up, lowered his head, and reached out to wipe away the water on my face. "Teacher, I'm sorry for not being able to protect you during this time, for causing you trouble. I'm sorry for saying things that burdened you. I'll help you solve these troubles, and once it's done, I'll leave and never come back."

　　I said, "You are my biggest trouble."

"Yeah." Xiao Ran withdrew his hand. "Of course, this trouble will also be resolved."

I stopped crying as soon as he finished speaking, as if my throat had suddenly been choked. I lay calmly on the bed, letting my mind go blank for a moment, then slowly got up and walked out. I don't remember if I said goodbye to him; when I left, I forgot to bring an umbrella. Somehow, I found my way back to the rental house, shivering from the cold.

I took a hot bath, crouched on the sofa, feeling the frequency of my breath and heartbeat. It was quiet around me, like I had gone deaf. Living alone was my best choice. I'm a huge trouble. I don't have the spirit to live. I'm lazy, melancholic, and have almost no moral boundaries. Me being together with someone is dragging them with me into the abyss.

I clenched my hands, continuously suggesting to myself, and finally convinced myself once again to retract the hand that wanted to reach out to him. Then, I released both of my hands and gently placed them on my legs.

Someone had come to this room again. The coffee table had shifted to the left, no longer pressing against the lines of the floor tiles. The shape of the plastic bag on the table had changed, it was no longer able to cover the coaster below, revealing a conspicuous yellow. I picked up the cushion that was supposed to be close to the armrest but was now in the middle of the sofa and sniffed it. It had the scent of hand cream, and the fragrance was mild. It should have been a woman rummaging through here. I got up, left the sofa, and walked around the house to check. In the kitchen, I found a small shoe print, a very shallow, small circle, from the front of the foot, relatively wide and resembling a leather shoe print. How many people have come here looking for things? Did they find what they were looking for?

　　That day, when I attempted suicide and was stopped by Zhong Li, the places he passed through included the corridor, living room, and kitchen, with the largest movement in the kitchen. I opened the cupboard door and checked behind the pipes but there was nothing. I stood up and looked into the sink; surprisingly, there was no cover over the bottom of the sink to filter out junk. Anything smaller than half a finger could easily slip through. I went back to the living room, grabbed a suitable tool, crouched down, and attempted to detach the pipe. However, the pipe itself was already loose. It seems that someone had already searched this place.

I felt they had already obtained what they were looking for. Should it all end now? I have definitively rejected Xiao Ran and no longer liked Zhang Shuxian, I lost my position as a middleman. The rope tied to me had been untied. It was time for me to leave.

I packed my luggage, opened the door, and was met with a crowd outside. Behind the landlord stood a group of adult men. He asked me, "Where is my grandson?"

"I don't know." I shook my head in confusion, grabbed the door handle and tried to close it. Someone held onto the door. I wondered how long his grandson had been missing and why he was in such a hurry to hire a group of people to confront me. "Mr. Zhong, did you report it to the police?"

"Stop pretending; it's too late." The old man gritted his teeth and gestured for the people behind him to rush towards me.

　　I swung my suitcase at them, and rushed out while they were dodging. I ran wildly, but with nowhere to escape, once again plunged into the heavy rain. My physical strength was too poor; in several chase fights, I never caught up with anyone. Now, others were chasing me, and it was simply an easy task for them. They grabbed my clothes from behind, causing me to fall. Crawling, I managed to remove my wet clothes, stood up, and was kicked in the shins. I tumbled into the water and the mud filled my mouth and nose. Gasping for air, I struggled with the person on top of me and made a final attempt to push him away and run forward.

Yes, if I fail again, I will give up.

During the sprint, someone grabbed my shoulder and pushed me into a nearby shop.

"Xiao Ran." I strode into the store, then instinctively turned around and clenched the hem of his clothes.

"Why did you mention this name again?" It was Zhang Shuxian's voice. I was in a trance, panting heavily. Without waiting for my response, he took me through the kitchen of that shop, walked into an alley, and after several turns, we stopped under the eaves of a two-story building, temporarily hiding.

I thought Zhang Shuxian must know what had happened. "Do you know where Zhong Li is?"

"I killed him."

I was too shocked, didn't understand, and even questioned the truth of his words. I asked him, "Why?"

　　Zhang Shuxian looked at me for a moment, then lowered his head. "He found that thing today. I saw from the surveillance that he found it, but he still wouldn't return it to me. I tied him up, threatened, begged, searched him… used every method, but he wouldn't give it to me. So, I had no choice but to kill him to prevent that thing from spreading. He found it not long ago, and would not have enough time to deliver it to others."

"What exactly are you looking for?"

"My thing!" Zhang Shuxian pointed to his chest angrily. "I don't want to tell you what it is. I can guarantee you wouldn't want to hear it either."

"Okay." I nodded and pushed him away. "I don't want to know anything."

He asked, "Do you have a place to go? Do you want to come with me? But if you do, you'll be considered an accomplice by the police."

"Forget it. I'm too tired. From birth until now, I've been too tired. Instead of running to the end of the world, I'd rather go to jail." I extended my hand to him. "Do you have a weapon? You can give it to me. If not, tell me the details of the crime, and then you can leave."

Zhang Shuxian frowned. "I don't understand. Do you like me that much? I never thought you really liked me."

　"I don't like you, Zhang Shuxian. You've dragged me into this mess, exhausted me, and drained my last bit of will to survive. I'm in a dilemma now. It's better to go to prison."

"Can't we live without the will to survive? Of course we can. Who isn't living in a nightmare, forcing themselves to go on with some false and hypocritical reasons?" Zhang Shuxian grabbed my hand that I extended towards him. "Come with me. Trust me once."

"I don't trust you." I used my other hand to push his away and returned to the rain. "If you don't want me to take the blame, I'll leave."

I heard the sound of an ambulance in the distance, turned my head, and gazed into the distance.

It was too cold; winter rain felt like knives.