hurricane swirling

vi. the remembering

vi. the remembering
Song: Oceans & Engines - NIKI

The last time I saw Rashid was 6 months ago. The last time I thought of him was 6 seconds ago. I feel better, I feel happier, and I feel content. But I still dream of him on nights I feel exceptionally lonely. I still think of him whenever my brain wanders to places I cannot control. Forgetting is so long. It was longer than the love itself.

But things have changed somehow. Good news, I'm no longer that desperate for love. Even before, I already knew that the nature of my heart was disgusting, embarrassing, and pathetic, but now I treat it as something gentle and something that needs to be taken care of. I'm learning how to be gentle.

Over the course of 6 months without feeling the need to always be loved, I realized that it was going to be okay.

I'm going to survive.

I always thought that love was a feeling. Something enchanting that just exists there, waiting for me to fall into. Something that I just magically know how to do. Something I didn't need to learn. The right person will come. If they wanted to, they would.

But then again, it sinks into me that because of my desperation for love, I focused more about wanting to be loved instead of actually loving. It was always "How do I become lovable?" and not "How do I love?".

You see, I learned that love goes both ways. To love. To be loved. I always focused on the latter, I forgot the real value of the former.

I'm learning how to love. Without the expense of breaking my heart. Loving for the sake of loving. Giving for the sake of giving.

I still think about Rashid. I still wonder how he's doing right now. Is he better? Is he happy? Did he finally experience love?

I was so scared of the love I had for him in the past because I knew that it would ruin me and I knew that I would let it. Even before he touched me, I belonged to him; all he had to do was hold me. But he didn't and it was for the good of the both of us. I know that now. He wasn't the only one who walked away learning something new, I did too.

I do hope he's better now.

To give is to love, to desire is to take. Love is an action. Love is an art. And just like any other form of art, it requires effort, faith, practice, and dedication. It doesn't just happen.

We learn it. And right now, I'm learning how to truly love.