More Than Love

Miss Grand Thailand

Engfa POV:

"Her popularity is the only thing getting her through this competition"

"She's not a real beauty Queen, look at her, she's just here to prey on women"

"If she makes it to top 10 I'm actually going to boycott miss grand and promote miss universe because at least they don't rig the competition for people who don't even know how to be a beauty Queen"

"I think 'she's' actually a ladyboy. You see her face? It's very masculine for someone who claims to be a woman. I can compete if that's the standards now for beauty"

"Heidi is the better Queen, she has the grace, experience and she has a million dollar signature move. She knows what it takes to be a beauty Queen no one else equates. Not even the person who's only advancing because of her mediocre fame. I'm sure Nawat is desperate for some type of attention as miss universe is relevant internationally"

"Someone teach her how to do her makeup and not be a fat fuck"

I threw down my phone immediately and closed my eyes resting my head against the wall.

I can't take it anymore. Why do they hate me so much? I didn't do anything to deserve this. I never even knew bullying in pageantry was this bad. It has absolute shot my mental health. I don't know if I should stay. I haven't even made it to top 10 or even 20 yet and I've been become the point of hate for these people to ridicule and talk down about.

Before I could stop myself I felt tears streaming down my face as I've been reading multiple pages and came across even more cruel things. It is hard having to put on this brave face all the time. I always have to be the strong one. Ever since I was 17 when my father passed away. My dad entrusted me with his dying breath to take care of the family. I've been trying so hard for nearly 10 years to do this. I know he would want me to be a star  in singing like we've always imagined.

But I don't know if this is worth it. This negativity has taken all of the joy out of competing. Sucked me of my energy. Maybe I can try a different route to break into the entertainment industry and I already have a following on social media. I just need to look harder, make more connections. It's got to be a better way than this. I don't think this is worth it.

Yes that sounds better.

Finding something where I'm not under a scope and where I can enter freely.

My mind was racing then the biggest question popped up in my mind.

Would my family be disappointed?

I think long and hard about it and come to the conclusion of...

Maybe.

But also they would want me to be happy as well. If they knew how my thoughts circle into a dark place.... No I can't tell them any of that. I got to maintain a strong front for the family.

I sighed and just allowed myself to cry freely. I was in the room by myself as we are in the middle of practicing for the swim suit competition. We are on a small break. We will run through the other parts of the competition next. I saw Char go hang with friends so I came here and got lost in the negativity. It's easy to say not to look when your name isn't involved but when your name is the temptation is hard.

Aren't I allowed to be weak sometimes?

The competition finals are tomorrow. I'm afraid if I progress far I will receive even more threats to my already weak mental.

Maybe I should drop out and save myself the hate and sadness thats worsening my depression.

That's it. I made up my mind. I'm going to drop out before it gets even more worse.