Would've Could've Should've

The Great Love Story?

"I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar," she said before once again downing her straight tequila.

"And I'm just a guy in a bar," he replied as his eyes sparkled under the dim bar light. He tipped his scotch to her direction while subtly using his dreamy smile.

There, at Emerald City Bar begun what other people dubbed as 'The Greatest Love Story'.

"So what was I to you? The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?", she said as her hands gripped her thick wool jacket around herself. It was unbearably cold that night, colder than what she's used to, and that's saying something since she grew up in Boston.

It was a different coldness, the air was crisp and it passes through her. It was like inside her exist this tiniest fire that any moment will be defeated by the air. And she can do nothing about it. So, she tried to warm herself by hurdling and continuously rubbing her arms for friction. But it did nothing because even her heart and mind is cold.... and tired and angry. Angry at the man in front, tired of fighting to live, to love, and cold since her only warmth was diminished by the beautiful woman named Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd.

"You were like coming up for fresh air.... it was like I was drowning and you saved me," he said, looking deep in her eyes that normally sparkles back. But it held nothing because she felt nothing. She's numb. "That's all I know."

"It's not enough."

Inside the sterile scrub room he pondered, 'How did his life got this messy?'. But his moment of quiet was interrupted by the woman he loves. There she was, standing as she nervously tangle and detangle her scrub cap.

"I lied. I'm not out of this relationship. I'm in and I'm so in, it's humiliating because here I am begging." she started. "Okay here it is, your choice its simple. Her or me. And I'm sure that she's really great but Derek, I love you!", here she goes, the desperation as she finally said those three words she vowed herself will never happen, scared her. Is this what loving is supposed to be? Begging? "In a really, really big, pretend to like your taste in music... Let you eat the last piece of cheesecake... Hold a radio over my head outside your window. Unfortunate ways that makes me hate you, love you.", there. No one can say she didn't try, that she didn't know how to love. She knows how to love! Just not how to be loved. Because no one did. And now she let herself be vulnerable to a man who has a wife. How pathetic can she be right? "So pick me. Choose me. Love me."

Right.

"Oh. You'll stay with her... okay," now, in the same room only hours and probably countless of tequila later, she regret it. She shouldn't have felt this way because everyone she ever loved ended up leaving after they found her lacking, disappointing.

"She's my wife.", Derek whispered as if to convince himself. His voice begged himself to take control because he vowed in front of God and his family to that woman, to the woman he was supposed to love, til death do they part. But it is Meredith, the girl in the bar, that he wants to be with. Yet he can't. So the night ended with both hearts broken and yearning.

It was outside their usual elevator spot that Derek really and intentionally hurt Meredith. They were supposed to be friends, civil and open to each other. But the thought of the veterinarian's hands on her skin, it makes him seethe. "Who's next Alex? Because I here he likes to sleep around. You have that in common", there was no sound, no sob, no gasp from Meredith. But her eyes. It went from the sparkling sea to the threatening forest. Derek neither cared nor will he apologize, she knows that. He never apologized for all the things he said and done. Never. But Meredith had enough of everyone judging her, of making her into someone she isn't. So what she slept around? Everybody do things because they need to cope, they have to live, and in the moment where she's crawling back to her darkness, there is only one thing to keep it at bay, Tequila.

"You don't get to call me a whore!," she said with all her might yet never letting her voice echo through the stairway. "When I met you, I thought I have found the person that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cares? Because I was done.", her eyes have always been the window of her soul, even when she's all closed up, it conveys all the things sealed up. And right now, without the crazy wavering of her voice, the anger in her eyes is enough for Derek to know that he had hurt her. Hurt her more than she thought she could be hurt. "You. left. me. You chose Addison! I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. YOU don't get to call me a whore."

That was the day their friendship ended. That was the day they both realized they were to hung up on each other to be civil. That was the day Derek realized that his love for her is not something he can just forget because he stayed by his wife's side.

" I just want to make sure you're alright.", Derek said as he followed Meredith inside a room, not even caring if his wife or her date saw them. He wants to make sure she's alright, he wants to make sure she does not feel what his feeling tonight.

The intensity of her pure loathing bothered him. "I'm not alright!," she spat back. "I am not alright. Are you happy now? I'm not alright. Because you have a wife and you called me a whore. And our dog died.", each word she said pierced through his heart. He can hear the pain hanging on to her every word. It weight tons that the only thing he can see is her eyes. It was endless pool of green, dark emerald green. Nothing compared to her usual soft sage.

" And now you're looking at me. Stop looking at me!", she screamed as she felt the room slowly closing in. Her breathing became labored and hard that she had to grasp the chair to stabilize herself. What she said to Finn isn't a lie. She is extremely claustrophobic, especially after the bombing issue where she felt like her hand, trapped inside that man's body with nothing but the possible cause of her death as company. "I'm not looking at you. I am not looking at you", yet his eyes remained at hers.

"You are looking at me, and you watch me!", she said desperately trying to breathe air as she failed to keep her anguish in. Her hands removed themselves from its grasp at the chair and is now angrily waving in front of her face. She wants to physically push him away, give herself more space to breathe. She wants to wipe that look off his face and that sadness of his eyes. "And Finn has plans, and I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I can't breathe! I can't breathe with you looking at me like that, so just stop!"

He turned around at the sight of those unshed tears. He cannot understand why he put her, the love of his life, in so much pain. He never even saw her pain before now. He never even felt his actions. And he's angry. He's angry at the world, at himself, at that veterinarian, and at Meredith, at her because she made him love her without even trying. She made him fall. And he fell hard. " Do you think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married, I have responsibilities! She doesn't drive me crazy! She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal! She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands! Oh, man, I would give anything not to be looking at you."

She really is dark and twisty, isn't she? Meredith had only realized that they were right. She was too dark for the world that calamities never really bothered her, or at least it doesn't have the same effect as to what everyone feel. That's why her friends often lay their heads in her shoulder, because the pain that they feel, she probably felt it already. She makes them calmer, better enough to fight their battles.  But Meredith knew, that despite all the calmness in the storm, there is one thing in her life that will waver it 'till it falls. "I'm in love with you.", his whisper was carried by the air. It was comforting yet the most terrifying words she ever heard. "I've been in love with you for...ever."

The words she yearned for, scared her so much she wants to run and to never look back.