Would've Could've Should've

You Were Bigger Than The Whole Sky

Balancing the box of tissue above the donuts, she let Richard open the door. Sitting alone in the room is her mentor, the nazi, the chief, the one everyone feared yet loved. Gone was that demanding presence, in its place was a human filled with pain and grief.

She sat down by Bailey hugging the woman tight whispering the words "I'm sorry". She knows it probably wouldn't help or even ease the pain, she knew, she already felt it before. "I had a miscarriage once, I've never felt so lonely.", she said while opening the box of donuts and offering Bailey one.

At once the woman's eyes filled with tears as Meredith held her in her arms. Richard, not knowing what to do, but still knowing their pain to a degree, enveloped both of his pseudo daughters. "She was fine and then she wasn't.", Miranda rasped out. Her voice trembled with emotion. "She isn't fine and I can't do anything about it. I can't do anything to help her."

When Bailey finally calmed down, or at least her breathing stabilized, Meredith spoke again. "She's fine now.", she started, having no idea if this will be helpful. "I don't used to believe in these things, but she's fine now with all the people that we loved and lost. She knows that you love her so much. She knows that she will see you again. And you will, may it be in your dreams or in the next chapter, she will forever be yours."

Her mentor gazed up at her while enveloped in between them. Her eyes raw and red but a small genuine hopeful smile graced her lips. "When?," she asked.

"When what?"

Disentangling from the warmth, Bailey fully turned to her, her face serious. "When did you..."

Meredith's eyes flashed with recognition as she turned her head towards the opposite wall. Unlike her husband's time as chief, the wall was not bare, instead it has frames, not only for the chief's diplomas and recognitions, but for staff photos. But what caught her attention was the one sat at the center, barely noticeable through the other frames but it was in perfect center that she wondered if it was deliberately placed there. It was the last photograph her intern year took, Meredith's supposed wedding, Izzie's wedding. They were complete there. Izzie in her gorgeous gown, Cristina and herself as the bridesmaids, George and Alex in their suits, and Bailey, she stood proudly and happily with them. She was like their mother, mother-hen. It was the last photo they took before George died and everything started tumbling down.

"The shooting," Meredith replied. Both Bailey and Richard's face told exactly their thoughts. So many things happen that day. So many people died, almost died, and everyone was traumatized. Both urged her to tell them more. "It's in the past now. We are here for you Bailey.", she said but was met with a stern but pouting Bailey.

"Distract me for a moment. I mean, we never knew. We thought that the shooting....."

She sighed before running a hand across her still-braided hair. "Nobody knew except for Cristina, Jackson, Bohkee, April, Owen, and Derek, but he only knew after Cristina's wedding. The whole I-saw-Derek-got-shot-in-front-of-me just happened and Cristina was operating on him when the shooter came to the OR. He had his gun to her head and everyone is going to die, if Cristina got shot then Derek will die. I would have lost them both...", that was a factor that the witnesses back then never contemplated on. All they thought was that she's reckless for what she'd done. But life without Derek and Cristina? She can't comprehend it. Now it's done, she's alone in Seattle with her children and village. "I offered my life to Mr Clarke."

Both of their eyes widened at the confession. "He was not going to leave until he killed Derek, Lexie, and you.", she whispered the last part while looking at Richard. "So I told him that I was his eye for an eye. I told him that Lexie is my sister, and I am the closest thing you had to a daughter, that I am Derek's wife. But he couldn't shoot me because Cristina screamed that I'm pregnant.", Richard's eyes softened at the mention of Mer being his daughter. She really is. He reached for her hand and held it tight. "But Owen got into action and had gotten shot, so with no other resolved, Jackson made it seem that Derek really died."

She could still feel that pain that she felt the moment the monitors flatlined. The urge to scream repeatedly and tackle the bastard that has the guts to shoot her husband had been overwhelming back then, as is the start of the pain across her abdomen as she bellowed out her cries.

"And I really thought he did but he did not.", she took a breath in before continuing. "Cristina ordered me to fix his man while she fixes mine.", the three let out chuckles. Well, that's how Cristina is. "So I did, and while I was operating on removing the bullet in his shoulder, it happened. April thought that I was shot. But I knew, the moment that I gained my husband back from the depths of death, I lost my son."

The tale was out to her mentors. She never meant for it to be hidden, its just that her life was hectic with traumas as it is. She timidly smiled at both of them before announcing, "But I am fine now. I met him a couple of times, looked exactly like my Bailey but with Derek's hair."

Astonished, Richard placed the back of his palm on her forehead. "It was the experience I told you earlier. The dreams, when I was at my lowest, or when I was fighting for my life like in the first trimester with Ellis, or the birth, or when I was attacked by a patient. He always shows up with or without Derek."

"Well, you were a lightning rod for those.", Richard joked and Meredith beamed at him, remembering the tiny fact that her son shared. "When I first saw him he told me he was named after his grandfathers. And I laughed at him and said that if he was really my son, then why would I name him after Thatcher. But he said 'No momma, my name is Richard Christopher Grey-Shepherd, after my grandfathers."

Richard's eyes watered and Bailey joked, "Look Grey, you just made the grandfather cry." They laughed, all the pain seemingly numbed. "That's why I can accept that it's real. He was fine and happy there, with his father, aunt, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. He is fine and he knows how much I love him."

Now, Miranda Bailey although still full of pain and longing for what could and should have been, was filled with hope that her baby girl is well taken care of by her Grey+Sloan family somewhere and her sister Danielle.

P.S: This perspective was created in the basis that I think Miranda Bailey copes by deducing that things that have happened is not entirely her fault, that it was completely out of her hand, which in this case it is. And that she gets this by looking at other experiences. This is how Meredith unconsciously helped her. Plus, I really wanted the trio to have a moment of reflection to what happened in their lives since it collided in Seattle in 2005.