Would've Could've Should've

Their Village

5 years ago, Zola called 911 for the first time. 5 years ago, the carousel turned at a full speed that she flew out of it. 5 years ago, she was in a dark place.

When she drowned, she really thought life isn't worth living, especially hers. She gave up. She stopped fighting the current beneath the waters, she stopped swimming forward. She just stopped because no one cares. No one will care if she stays or not.

And she will be in peace, finally. She will be able to exist without the heavy disappointment of her mother, the harsh expectations of her superior, the exhausting love of Derek, and the scrutiny of being the dirty mistress that broke the Shepherds.

But the thing is, she didn't get the peace that she expected. She didn't get to exist, because she can't. It's not enough just a whiff of Derek or Cristina. It's not enough just a glimpse of them, so she came back.

She came back because she realized that she have reasons to live. They are her reasons to live, she loves them so much.

And now, both of them are gone. Cristina is on another continent, living her best life and her dream career. While Derek... Her Derek is gone. He is gone and he left her alone.

"I promise that I'm gonna show up, even if you yell.. even if I yell."

But he didn't. Their 'see you later' was not supposed to be their goodbye. Their children was not supposed to be fatherless. She was not supposed to be Widow Grey.

5 years ago, she turned back to Dark and Twisty Mer. She began to lose reasons to live. She began to stop caring about her life. She was back to her drowning. Until Derek gave her his last gift.

She fell pregnant.

After a miscarriage, years of fertility drugs, almost losing Zola to another family, and almost dying at the birth of Bailey, her hostile uterus pulled through. Derek's wish came, the only problem was, he wasn't there to receive it.

Once the stick turned blue, she was awoken out of her trance. She saw her children, they were good and healthy. They are everything Derek was. Zola is so smart and mature that she sounds like her father. She always babbles about being a brain surgeon at the age of 5, before her father was gone, before she even knew what it meant. She carries herself with the same swag as her father. She will be the next Dr. Grey-Shepherd, Neuro Goddess. And Bailey, he looks so much like him it hurts. His eyes sparkle at the same time as he flashes his little Mcdreamy smile. Although he is blonde, every single piece of his hair is Derek, from the way it curls but still holds its own, to its softness. He is the perfect little Mcdreamy. They are the perfect Mcspawns.

She was surprised her subconscious took such good care of them. They didn't get hurt, they weren't in danger. Or maybe it was Derek guarding them from somewhere. But all in all, it was her that she had to be worried about.

And she did. She took care of herself and fetus (Derek hated calling Bailey that but whatever, it's not like he's there). She took care of Bailey and Zola. And they lived everyday by putting one foot in front of the other. Somehow, they survived.

Until at 8 months, Ellis Alexies Grey-Shepherd chose to come early. And in a very traumatizing Grey-Shepherd method, she had near death placental abruption.

She doesn't know if Zola or Bailey will remember that night, but God does she hope not. She doesn't want them to be traumatized the same way she did. She doesn't want them to see such image at a young age. But in other side, she wanted their memory to be strong enough to remember their father. To still feel his love even after the days of his absence grew long. She wanted them to feel him, to know that he loved them so much.