BIRDIE

Bridezilla.

It's been 2 weeks since Istanbul. Price was completely chaotic planning his wedding alongside work, he must've pestered me 8 times about flower arrangements and seating plans. I had never seen a grown grizzly bear of a man get so stressed over some peony's and after the wedding I'm not sure I want to see a sodding flower ever again.

Soap was his chipper self, going on plenty of dates with the cute blonde from the bar to which we recently discovered is called Ella. He was sure to remind everyone on a daily basis of her, 'glittery' eyes. He started to look at ring catalogues in the common room which we've all confiscated for his own benefit. I happened to notice when he got lucky the night before, not by his extra quirky personality or post-sex glow, but by the way he walked. It was more of a waddle really, so truly fuck knows what that woman was doing to him.

Ghost was distant, he would make active attempts to avoid me in the halls and in training but would contradict all that work when I'd catch him just staring at me in our room in the barracks. Which in all honestly was rare, he hardly spent any time in the room. He'd come back after I'd fall asleep most of the time and be gone when I'd woken up, but one thing that stayed consistent was a cup of tea laid to rest on my bedside table in the morning. I started to think he'd only pop in just to drop off a tea some days. The transition of feeling extremely close to him, to then have virtually nothing more than an intense glare was disheartening to put it lightly. I had spoken to Soap about it and caught him up on the events in Istanbul without getting too graphic. The filthy minx wanted details but that was quickly shut down. Everyone was being really cryptic and secretive on what Ghost was up to and that bothered me immensely.

Gaz had stopped by my door a fair few times, he was sweet enough to bring me some food some nights and we'd just sit there hashing out our life stories and what had happened down in Istanbul. I'd grown quite fond of Gaz, he was incredibly kind and shy. The kind of shyness a schoolboy has when asking a girl out, it was endearing.  He often offered his support and a helping hand when it came to what was happening with Emma. Going through intense therapy and continuing my training, I was too distraught to come up with a good send off and thankfully Gaz took the reins. He'd organised a cremation and offered me some her back in a baby pink porcelain urn. He suggested I keep half to take her home with me so her wish was granted and she could come home to live with me like I promised. He was extremely attentive and all I could think was, this man was raised by a good mother, a mother I'd like to be for my own children one day. Overall his actions gave me some peace of mind and his sweet analogies helped me process the grief a lot more smoothly. On the side he arranged for a small ceremony for the remainder of her ashes to be buried in the veteran cemetery which he fought tooth and nail for. But after an extensive amount of persuasion and light threats, the higher ups approved the request since she was a hero that was killed in action.

The ceremony was small, me, Gaz, Soap, Price and Ghost attended. Once again, Gaz was extremely supportive and held his arm around my shoulder for the most part, keeping himself on standby for my own needs. Soap and Price sang a few words of praise to her small headstone which made my heart flutter in awe of the men I worked with. Trained killers that crush life beneath their own fingers, being vulnerable and treating her with the utmost delicacy. Ghost stood on the sidelines for most of the ceremony, it was extremely frustrating because the one person I wanted to comfort me just stood back and watched it play out behind his mask. Perhaps it was unfair of me to expect more from him, but it's what I craved. It was difficult, I didn't know where I stood once again with him and I had explained this to Soap, my primary confidant and he responded with, "have patience, it's worth it." Whatever the hell that meant. So I was trusting a gruelling process that I didn't believe in.

A few days after the ceremony I noticed the urn was missing and I was having a complete meltdown, the barracks was turned upside down and the whole of the base felt my wrath. It was only until that evening that it was set back in the room and a delicate silver necklace with a circular resin pendant was left on my bed. A note accompanied it that read, "Take Emma around the world with you."