crystal moon reviews✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Sword Master

Sword Master by @lilac_minded

Disclaimer:

These are simply my opinions and are not intended to hurt or upset any author. If you do not agree with my thoughts, that is completely fine! As an author myself, I always appreciate constructive criticism, and that is what I have tried to provide.

Due to the length of these chapters, I have only thoroughly read 3 chapters. However, I have only managed to provide in depth feedback for the first chapter due to time constraints in my personal life. The ratings will be based on the 3 chapters I have read, however the direct feedback relates to the first chapter only. I am really sorry, I am just very short for time at the minute – author please feel free to PM me if you have any further questions!

Plot 8/10

Characters 10/10

Writing Style /610

Pacing 8/10

Readability 7/10 *******

Chapter 1 (Kiomonozo Castle) -

Nice introduction to the setting but maybe work on your descriptive language here. "The night was dark" is a fine way of describing the time of day, but how else could you help your readers imagine this? Maybe discuss if there are any stars, is it foggy? Can you see the moon? *edit* I can see you have done this later in the chapter, but I would maybe suggest also doing this at the beginning also.

Very clear introduction of Kiomonozo Adera. You have conveyed that this character is terrorizing, which helps us readers understand this character.

"Untill" should be spelt as "until", with one L.

I like the further descriptions of Kiomonozo, showing how ruthless he is by collecting severed hands.

The section about the past (year ago from present time) seems like an abrupt shift from the beginning of the chapter and it was a bit overwhelming for me with all of the new characters. It may be nice to add this as a prologue rather than a flashback type section. However, the dialogue is really well written here and it flows nicely. One thing I will say is that these characters are eleven years old – I only know this because you explicitly told us. So it would be nice to see some other indications of this other than the explicit dialogue of them saying they are children.

I also like how much more we learn about Kiomonozo, such as his like for the colour red and it's significance in Aem's room.

I like the dialogue between Aem and his father – it shows the metaphorical walls between the clans.

The banter between Sawabe and Aem is fab. Very nicely written.

The mid-section of this chapter is very dialogue heavy. I do really like how this dialogue is used, however I would like to see some regular description here as well just to break it up.

I really think this chapter could be broken up more. By the time I read the flashback, I had already forgotten what I had read at the beginning of the chapter, maybe try to break this up somehow. Remember your readers do not know your characters, it is slightly overwhelming having so many characters introduced so early into your book.

Lovely description of combat at the end of the chapter – "danced around his opponent" and "row of bloody ribbons" are lovely descriptive ways to show the scene.

The dialogue at the very end of the chapter needs to have some more indications of who is speaking. I can see some readers becoming confused here.

I really enjoyed this first chapter – I hope that the points above help you edit and improve it further!