Just between us | sunghoon

My soul recognizes yours

Just between us, I'll remember it all too well

On the first of October 2021, I walked on stage to perform. Pink ballet shoes tight around my soles. I couldn't help but focus my mind on the pressure on my feet and how the pointe shoes were tight around them, on my heavy breathing, and on the way I can feel the pressure on my head from how tightly my hair was wrapped in a high bun. Focus on anything, anything but the fact that I am about to have my first ballet performance ever.
Have I been preparing for this moment for months nearly a year? Yes. But now that I'm here I'm fighting every nerve in my body to remain and not run away with fear, trembling.

Internally, I coached myself, a soothing mantra on a loop until the countdown began: "3, 2, 1, step onto the stage!" And so I did. I just did it on command and all my thoughts have completely shut down as I moved to my designated spot just as I practiced many times before.

I stood there in the center of the stage, light spots on me shining from the top and making the gems on my dress shine, red curtains draped adorning the sides of the stage, gold plated frames framing it, and in front of me sat a crowd of hundreds all eyes fixated on me.

 I got into position, heartbeat accelerating as  Igor Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" reverberated through the speakers and then, I surrendered. I let go of everything, The music became my guide,  transporting me into the meticulously crafted world I had spent months building. I swayed and danced and spun around on my pointe shoes, and so I felt alive for the first moment ever. This was the dream that I spent a lot of nights dreaming of, this was the moment I had been preparing for.

And then, Approaching the crescendo, and as I was to put an ending to my performance, my eyes fell upon him.

My whole body recognized him before my mind got to process the thought of who he was. Straight lines. His hair, his face, his suit. It was all in straight lines like I'd known him to be years ago. The dimmed lights turned brighter, his face got clearer freezing me in place.Applause roared, then faded into silence, yet I remained there still, all eyes on me while mine was so greedy refusing to move one inch away from him, scared that if I was to close them for a split second he will be gone again, gone like he once was.

And before I realized, a tear has made it way down my cheek, my throat constricted, and my feet, the very same that had borne my talent, has suddenly gone weak and my body weight felt so heavy to hold up.

And again
I fell.