Just between us | sunghoon

Should've

My gaze remained fixed on the night scene passing by the cab window, October's chill creeping in. All the memories that I spent a lot of time concealing and locking away in a box at the very back of my head have started to rush back, conversations, laughter, and shared moments. I didn't resist; I let it all flood back, not knowing where to go from here. Will I regret the words I said to him? Should I have held back my words? Embraced him despite my anger? asked him to meet so I could let him on all the things he had missed while he was gone, all of the new things I learned, the things I accomplished while he wasn't there through it all, how lonely it felt without him, how even after all that time away I still loved him. One sided but remained the same never being able to completely move on from it.

Every day with him felt like hope, a hope that one day things would align. I promised myself, that one day I'd spill these feelings, risking our friendship for the chance to be more. I held onto that hope, praying I wouldn't have to conceal this love anymore, dreaming that our bond would shift into something deeper. It felt like we were getting closer to the brink of being lovers, but then he shattered that hope. He ripped away the very thing that ignited a fiery passion within me, leaving me adrift, stripped of the only thing that had given me passion in life. I hate how in the past I only really loved myself cause I was close to him, I wanted to be something great because I wanted him to see me be so, he was my muse in a lot of things, my rival, my best friend. And just like that, I lost all three. 

At 16, brimming with dreams bigger than us, full of hope, full of passion. we strived together, in shows, and competitions, sometimes as partners, other times as rivals. Now, at 23, did my dreams come true? Yes, but not in the anticipated way. Despite the achievements, his absence lingered, altering my journey in unexpected ways. And true to his promise, there he was, but under circumstances that shattered the peace I'd finally found after I accepted the lack of his presence in my life.

"Oh god, what have I done?" The weight of my words crashed over me, panic gripping my chest. "I shouldn't have said that," I muttered, as I remembered the words I uttered to him. And again panic washed over. "I wanna go back" and tears started falling again. I debated if I should just ask the cab to stop and take me back if he would still be there. Regret clawed at my chest and took over me completely. Yet, I remained silent, I never said anything to the driver. the ride back home felt longer than usual. I endured the journey until I arrived home, each step aching with a longing to rewind time. taking the elevator up to my apartment felt dull, unlike any other day—this time, I yearned not to be there.