"Mr Silverstein," I heard a soft voice said and felt my shoulder being lightly tapped, waking me up.
"Hmm...?" I had my eyes closed with Grace was still cradled in my arms.
"Mr. Silverstein, they need you down on the first floor," she paused for a moment, "In regards to Mrs. Silverstein," when those words left her mouth, I felt a pain pierce my heart and my soul.
I opened my eyes and looked down at Grace. Sleeping so peacefully. Her cheeks were round and rosy and her hair dark and thick. She was perfect. I never wanted to let her go, she was the only thing that could put me at peace. Knowing I had her to look after now and she needed me brought me comfort. Yet, being reminded about Jayna tore that peace from me, that comfort, and replaced it with agony and a hurt so deep it was physically painful. I got up from the rocking chair I had been sitting in, and carefully handed Grace to the nurse.
"Grace will be going home tomorrow after she sees the pediatrician. He will check her over, make sure everything looks good and then release her. He will set you up for her first week appointment," She smiled taking Grace back.
Then it hit me. Funeral. Appointments. Work. Baby. My wife, my beautiful wife was gone. I felt my chest tighten. The peace and comfort was temporary, reality was punching me in my gut now.
I inhaled deeply. "God, be with me during this time. Give me strength, if not for myself for my little girl. Amen," I prayed in a whisper as I walked to the nurse's station.
"Um....wondering if you direct me to where, ahem," I couldn't say it. I didn't want to think of Jayna dead, lifeless, or gone.
The nurse looked up at me and I could tell she knew. I could see the hurt in her eyes, "Silverstein, right?" she asked, making sure she hadn't mistaken me.
"That's me," I said, "I am not sure where I am supposed to go about...." Why wouldn't it come out of my mouth?
"It's okay. Go down to the first floor, if you go to information desk, there should be someone that will be able to assist you and call down to the mortuary," My stomach turned when she said the last part. I decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator.
I was in no hurry to get rid of Jayna. I had saw enough t.v. shows to know they were going to ask what arrangements were to be done with her body. I knew she wanted her organs donated. I'd be sure to mention that. Yet, I was conflicted on whether to follow out Jayna's dying wishes or to go a more traditional route. I wanted to go traditional. I wanted us to be buried next to each other in the cemetery, where the rest of my family has and will be buried. I felt a smile spread across my lips as I thought about the night Jayna said she wanted to be cremated...
"You know what?" Jayna said, sitting comfortably on a patio chair.
We were sitting on the back porch. It was the last Friday we would spend on summer break, because the following Monday started a new school year. She had rolled her last joint for the summer. She didn't smoke while working, but as soon as summer started she smoked until the last weekend before school would start. She didn't see pot as harmful, illegal, but not harmful and she enjoyed it and it was like wine for her. It helped her unwind and relax. My wife, the hippie.
"What is it beautiful girl?" I asked looking up from the book I had been reading.
She took a long drag off of the joint and passed it towards me, as she always did, and I would usually motion no, but every now and again I made an exception, and would take a drag or two from it. Tonight was that night. I reached for the joint and her eyes widened.
