The first time I remember seeing my daddy cry was the morning of my fifth birthday. It wasn't until many years later I realized why. I had woke up that morning excited. I was excited because it was my day and daddy had promised to show me the best birthday ever.
"Gracie!" My grandmother shouted from downstairs. My stomach was already growling from the heavenly scent of bacon that lingered in the air. My eyes had come open upon the smell reaching my little nose. My grandmother had kept her promise about making pancakes and bacon for my birthday.
I jumped out of my bed and ran as fast as I could down the stairs, ready to face the vast day as a now five year old. This would be the year I would start school. This would be the year that I would finally learn to ride a bike without training wheels. This would be the year I would learn how to read a book to my daddy instead of him reading it to me. And without realizing it at the time, that would be the year my daddy would start piecing together a heart that had shattered five years previously.
I walked into the kitchen to see my grandfather sitting at the table, sipping on his coffee as he read the Sunday newspaper. He dropped the paper as I entered the kitchen. My grandmother was busy behind the kitchen counter, moving about gracefully as she prepared my birthday breakfast.
"Well there she is!" My jovial grandfather exclaimed, "The birthday girl!" He was a heavyset man with hair that looked like pepper. His voice deep and his arms like a bear's. I smiled and ran to him. He scooped me up onto his lap and wrapped his massive arms around me for his famous bearhug, "Bear hug!" he growled as he snuggled me in closer and tighter. I giggled and my grandmother smiled.
"Where's daddy?" I asked.
"He hasn't came down, yet.," My grandmother said, "Maybe he's taking a shower. I heard he has a special day planned for you two, including a really big surprise," she said bringing butter and syrup to the table, "Why don't you run up and see if you can find him."
I walked upstairs and down the hallway towards my daddy's room. Even though I had seen them a million times, I took my time walking down the hallway to look at all the pictures that hung. Some were of my grandparents, even one of them the day they got married. I'd stare at the picture trying to recognize my young grandmother, but still not seeing it. She was just as beautiful now as she was then but I found it hard to see the woman I knew in that picture. And there were pictures of my handsome daddy. My grandparents' only son. They had three daughters and one son, my father. Then there was my favorite picture. A picture of my daddy and my mama.
It was a picture taken on the day they married. It was taken outside, a lush background of trees and the sun shining bright on their faces. Both of them beaming at one another. Usually I could feel the happiness from them both radiate from the picture and I would feel just as happy as they looked. My father wore a gray suit with a yellow tie and you could see the love in his eyes reflecting into hers. My mother's hair long and wavy and free falling around her chest and her back. Her smile was modest but sincere. She wore a sunflower flower crown and a white sundress. I remember always wishing that that sunflower flower crown could be mine. I stared at the picture happy at first then a sadness washed over me. I touched the picture to see if I could somehow get the happy feeling back but it had faded.
I turned to see my father's door cracked open. I reached the door and pushed it open, "Daaaaaddy?" I said not seeing him at first. I walked into the room around his bed and there he sat on the floor, against the bed, his head into his hands, softly crying. A shoe box was beside him, opened. I saw pictures of him and my mom, papers of all different sorts including drawings, notes, movie stubs. I noticed the random objects; a rock, a key chain, a few other colorful things, but most importantly I spotted something still in the box barely uncovered. The flower crown! Then my eyes went back to my father who was now looking up at me with red eyes.
"Hey babygirl, I'm sorry. Let me get this cleaned up, okay?" He said looking up at me, then back to all the stuff that laid around him. He started shoving things back in to the box, still sniffling as I stood there. He placed the top on the box and looked up at me. His eyes were glassy and red and his handsome face hooded in despair. "You ready for your big day?" He asked me, now standing up.
"Daddy, what's wrong?" I asked him, not sure why he was crying. I thought maybe I had done something wrong. I felt sad to see him crying on my special day.
"Nothing sweetheart," he said to me coming close and leaning down to one knee in front of me. His face was outlined in grief. His blue eyes that were once brilliant from the pictures I had seen, were now dark and dull. He tried to force a smile on his face as he looked up at me, "When you get older, I will tell you. But today is not a day for such a sad story. Today is a day to be happy, because today I plan on giving you a very, dearly happy birthday!" He said scooping me up into his arms and standing tall. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. He carried me down stairs to the kitchen in his arms. We sat down to have breakfast and he decided to announce the big surprise he had, while we ate.
"I have some great news!" My daddy said, happily. He placed his fork on his plate, "First and foremost, I will be joining Gracie when she starts school," He announced.
"Oh, Caleb! Does this mean you will be teaching again?" My grandma asked, sounding thrilled about this news.
"Yea, I already have it all set up to start in the fall. So I will be back to teaching fourth graders," I could hear the excitement in his voice and I got excited. "Do you know what that means Gracie?" He asked with a big grin from ear to ear.
"We will get to ride the bus together!" I asked, thrilled at the thought. The naivety of my statement sent everyone into hysterics.
"Not exactly sweetheart," my father said, still laughing, "We won't be taking the bus. We will ride together, though. And I will be there at the school in the fourth grade hall if you ever need me," he told me.
I was so happy about the news, my smile broadened.
"I have one more surprise too," My dad said, "I have found a small, two bedroom house for me and Gracie to move into in the fall!" He said this and everyone got quiet. My grandma's eyes shifted to my grandpa's face. Her eyes were worried now, not enthused.
"Caleb, you know, just because you are starting back at the school, doesn't mean you have to move out right away," My grandma said looking at my father, who took his eyes quickly from hers, still smiling.
"Mom, it's time. We can't live here forever," My dad said firmly.
I still didn't know if I should be happy or not. We had always lived here with my grandparents, I had never known any different. Without thinking I asked my daddy, "Is that why you were crying? Because you have to move away from your mommy?" I said, feeling extremely sad.
He looked at me and his smile faded from his face, "Aww, sweetheart. Remember? No sad stories today," he said to me.
My grandma now looked at him concerned, "Caleb, why don't you just stay, at least the first year back to work. Save up your money. No one is rushing you out. We love having y'all here!" My grandma said softly to my daddy.
"I am taking Grace today to see it," My daddy informed us, "Speaking of which!" My father got up from the table and went into the kitchen. We all watched him walk into the kitchen, then back out with the biggest cupcake I had ever seen. It was bigger than my hand. It was pretty and pink, my favorite color. It had a big five candle on top of it, already lit.
"I have a cupcake, with a candle for you to blow out, so that you can start your special day with a wish!" My father said sitting the big, fat, pink cupcake in front of me. "Maybe your wish will come true before today is over. Go ahead sweetie, blow out your candle and make a wish. Make sure it's a good one!" All three of them were now looking at me with wide smiles. I squeezed my eyes shut, inhaled deeply, then blew out my candle, making a wish that would never be granted.
I wished for my daddy to never, ever, ever be sad again, especially not on my birthday. Even though, the wish would never come true, I would use every wish I ever had to wish for that same thing- for my daddy never to be sad.
