Kupido's Alumnus

4

"She should be put in place," giit ko kay Sid habang kumakain kami sa isang fastfood chain. "There should be a limit in understanding. This... is beyond the boundary, she'll regret it."



"Maine," bumuntong hininga si Mama. "It's my first time seeing you like this. She just had a bad day, probably. Hayaan mo na lang."



"Kaya nga," pagsang-ayon ni Sid. "Sinabihan naman na kita noon, 'di ba?"



"May katwiran naman si Maine..." mahinang ani Desteen. "Hindi porque pangit ang araw mo pwede ka nang manakit sa iba. Lalo na 'yung... murahin 'yung nakakatanda."



Finally! Someone who understands me!



Mali naman talaga 'yun, eh. Bakit nakikisimpatya pa rin sila Sid kay Serina? Kung murahin ko kaya 'yung magulang niya sa harap niya, anong mararamdaman niya? Hindi ba at magagalit siya? Bakit mas pinipili niyang kampihan 'yun samantalang mas may katwiran ako?



Don't get me wrong, I am not mad at my mother nor Sid. I know that they are just giving me perspectives... given that I am visibly mad. Napapansin ko ang mga tingin na ibinibigay nila sa akin, kabilang na roon si Desteen, habang kumakain kami. Para nila akong kinakapa... and I hated that. Hindi naman ako mananakit o mang-aaway dahil galit ako. Hindi ako nandadamay ng iba... Hindi ako si Serina.



Sa kabilang banda, interesting din sa akin ang influence ni Sid kay Serina, kung influence bang matatawag iyon. It was like they have this shared understanding of each other. Magkaibigan din naman sila Desteen at Serina pero mas madalas kampihan ni Sid ang mga ginagawa ni Serina kumpara kay Desteen. Okay lang naman 'yun sa akin, as if Sid was imposing her opinion on me. She was just sharing it... and I respect her for it.



Pero talagang hindi ko na kayang tingnan si Serina ng pareho pagkatapos noon. Dumaan ang Division's debate competition, nanalo kami pareho, pero hindi ko siya pinapansin kagaya noon. Hindi ko siya nilalayuan pero hindi ko rin siya kinakausap kung hindi kailangan. I wasn't ignoring her existence... I just could not care less about it.



"I am Serina Aestherielle Gallardo. I am fifteen years old. My hobbies are joining extracurriculars, engaging in community, and studying. My motto in life is... Kapag gipit, sa extracurriculars kakapit."



When our Third Year started, magkaklase pa rin kaming tatlo nila Sid. Kaso ngayon ay lumayo na ako ng upuan kay Serina. Bumuntot naman sa akin si Sid kaya katabi ko siya at as usual, ang ingay ko rin. Hindi naman na iyon ikinagugulat ng mga andito.



This year, may iba akong goal bukod sa pag-aaral ng mabuti at pagkakaroon ng high grades; it was to put Serina into her place. Ano naman kung mapagtanim ako ng sama ng loob?! Let us bloom a garden and foster!



But seriously, I did not just want to compete with Serina Gallardo. I want to beat her in everything that she does. I want to be better than her. I don't care if I rank first or not, because what matters to me is to be above Serina. Lalamangan ko siya... Gagantihan ko siya. No one can disrespect the people I love. No one will ever get away with it.



"Choose a university now, Maine," ani Lolo isang gabi ng mag-dinner siya sa bahay. Wala si Papa dahil sa trabaho. "Mas mabuting maaga mong pinaplano ang buhay mo. It makes your life easier, trust me."



"Dad, I don't think we should force her into that yet. Undecided pa nga siya sa course," ani Mama.



"And so?" Tumaas ang kilay ni Lolo. "Universities offer a broad variety of courses. Porque undecided, bawal nang pumili ng school? Courses can be chosen later."



"It's just that it's better-"



"We'll talk about it later na lang po." Hindi ko na napigilang hindi sumabat. Tumataas ang tension sa hapag at ayaw kong... tinatarayan si Mama. "Kumain na lang po tayo." Pilit akong ngumiti kay Lolo.



Ngumiti rin sa akin si Lolo at tumango bago ipagpatuloy ang pagkain.



I get where he's coming from. At the same time, I get where my parents are coming from... with constantly defending me against the pressure from my grandparents. Sila Mama at Papa... maagang nag-asawa, college lang, kaya may pagka-protective pa rin ang mga grandparents ko sa kanila. Bilang parusa naman kay Papa that time, he was forced to transfer to a military school by his father. Si Lolo ay isang retired general... and he's quite known in that field.



Lately, I've been considering going to NYU for college. Maraming available courses doon, inclined sa numerical... na sa tingin ko ay baka associated sa kukuhain kong course dahil sa interest ko. Going out of the country might be good for me... as I could finally get to live on my own. Matututo ako mag-isa, although my guidance pa rin ng pamilya dahil sa New York naka-base ang mga kapatid ni Mama.



That was the supposed plan for my mother as well. Nasa pre-law siya noon, eh... nung ipinanganak niya ako. Kailangan niyang tumigil ng isang taon noong ipinagbubuntis ako, tapos naging working student para maka-graduate... kasi ayaw na siyang pag-aralin ng pamilya niya bilang parusa. My mother was about to also study abroad for law, but then she had me and became a housewife instead.



So where does that lead me? Napabuntong hininga ako sa dinner. A mistake... as much as I would like to deny. Alam ko 'yun kahit na paulit-ulit itanggi ng mga magulang ko. Kaya ito ako ngayon, nagpupursiging alisin 'yung masamang tingin ng iba sa pamilya ko. I love my parents... so I will do whatever it takes for me to give them the love they deserve.



"Umuulan! Ayoko na, Maine! Huhuhu, ang white shoes ko!" Sunod-sunod ang naging reklamo ni Sid habang nasa opisina kami ng debate team. This room is as big as an actual classroom, kaya rito rin ginanap ang audition para sa available slot sa debate team dahil sa pag-graduate ng ilan last year.



"Arte mo," sabi ni Serina sa kaniya. Pinagigitnaan kasi namin si Sid sa kinauupuan kaya rinig ko. "Ang saya kapag umuulan! Mas malamig, mas tahimik, mas peaceful! What more could you ask?"



"Malinis na sapatos!" sigaw ni Rana.



Napairap na lang ako sa kanilang dalawa. Hindi na nakapag-response si Serina dahil sumalang na ang isa sa mga students. Mukha itong junior namin.



"Hi, Zia." Napalingon ako kay Serina nang bumati siya rito. Nakita ko siyang may malaking ngiti roon sa estudyante, kaya kumunot agad ang noo ko. Anong trip niya? Kanina kami ang bumabati, ah? "How are you, feeling nervous?"



"Kaunti po," bahagyang ngumiti iyong Zia sa kaniya. "Ang seryoso po kasi nung katabi ni Ate Sid," tukoy niya sa akin. Agad na lumaki ang mata ko. Ano namang ginawa ko rito?!



"Uy, mataray ka raw, 'te," siniko ako ni Sid kaya sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Tumawa lang siya.



"Don't mind her," sagot ni Serina sa bata. "Bad mood lang 'yan... hindi kasi siya naka-perfect kanina." Nakita ko sa peripheral vision ko ang nang-aasar na tingin niya sa akin at ngisi.



Suminghap ako at umirap. "Eh di, ikaw na perfect," bulong ko. Akala mo naman dadalhin siya sa langit ng weekly assessment!



"Talaga." Aba, sumasagot pa talaga! Lagot ka sa 'kin!



Nang magsimula na ang pagpapa-impromtu speaking niya roon sa estudyante ay sinuri kong maigi ang sagot ng bata. Serina asked the kid about her opinion about abortion, a common topic in most debates. Sumang-ayon si Zia roon.



"But life is a life," sagot ni Serina kay Zia. "However young, you must consider it at all costs, right?"



"That's why we have to ensure that the family will meet the child's needs po, opo," tumango si Zia sa kaniya. "A life is a life, so we also have to value the environment a child will live in."



"A life is a life," ulit ni Serina. "So why would you kill a child just because you could not meet its needs? Couldn't compromise? Everyone knows the value of life, Zia. The moment a woman had a baby in their womb, that child is their responsibility. That is the consequences of the act they signed up for, when they had sex."



"What about rape, po?" sagot ni Zia. "The woman did not want to have sex because they were forced into it. They should have the choice whether or not to keep the child."



"They can sign it up for adoption," ani Serina. "Just because they don't want the child means that they should kill it. Others are incapable of having a child and would be very much delightful to adopt one and provide its needs."



"Idealistic," saad ko. Nagulat sila nang magsalita ako. Napatingin ang lahat sa akin. Hindi kasi dapat ako magsasalita dahil parte iyon ng audition. And if I were to speak, dapat sa side ako ni Serina o kung sinumang magtatanong sa nago-audition... in which I clearly disregarded, since I sided with Zia.



"How so?" tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Serina.



Sumagot ako. "Many orphanages suffer from underfunding and poor staffing. Approximately, there are two million orphans in the country... too many, to be accommodated by the orphanages. And that is all apart from the fact that government agencies demand documents, which prolongs the adoption process and other simple procedures."



"Situational," giit ni Serina. "The legal process is done to ensure the welfare of the child. You cannot just simply give a kid away just because someone wants them. They have to be safe."



"I know, but like I said, the orphanages are underfunded and lacks support from the government. Children don't receive enough attention from the higher-ups. At that point, let me ask you, would you follow those said procedures when you have enough documents as proof that the child can be taken care of by those who wants to adopt them? If you care for their health and safety, what would you choose? Keep the child under an unsupported institution or let them have their chance to a good family?"



Hindi siya sumagot.



"Our world is not perfect. Everyone knows the value of life, yes, but it doesn't guarantee that everyone can be responsible and mature enough to take care of another life. Due to the state of orphanages in the country, adoption is mostly out of the equation in rape cases. Yes, the mother in that case may develop a love for the child, but the trauma from that situation is not a joke as well. Rape victims develop post-traumatic stress and mothers have the tendency to also develop psychological issues during pregnancy or after childbirth; which could bring harm to the child. With all those risks, still excluding the financial crisis and other aspects, would the child still have the environment it needed?"



"Point taken," ngumisi sa akin si Sid. "A life is a life, right? Huwag buhayin kung hindi maaalalagaan..."



Tumingin ako kay Serina at matamis na ngumiti sa kaniya. We both know I won this one. Umirap na lang siya.



I went home feeling accomplished that day. Paulit-ulit kong kinuwento 'yon kay Sid kahit alam kong naririndi na siya. I don't care! Isa lang naman mali ko roon sa assessment dumada pa si Serina sa akin na perfect siya. Mayabang!



Ever since then, though, I have always felt this need to annoy Serina. I looked forward to her eye rolls at me, so I purposely did everything that I could to surpass her. Madali ko lang nakukuha iyon kaya natutuwa ako... kaso napapansin ko na sa akin lang siya ganoon, 'yung parang galit sa buong existence ko? Alam ko namang iniinis ko siya at natural nang mataray siya... pero masakit din palang makita na parang kakumpitensiya na talaga ang tingin niya sa akin.



It hurts in a way... because deep inside, I know I did nothing to deserve that treatment. I was just trying to be a good student. It hurts... she said she was my friend.



"Sa NYU ko po gusto mag-aral," sabi ko kila Mama at Papa habang nagdi-dinner kami. "Gagawan ko po ng paraang makapasok... kakayanin ko po." Pilit akong ngumiti sa kanila.



Simula nang sabihin ko ang desisyong iyon sa kanila, I felt the exceptional need to excel. Hindi ko na gaanong sinasamahan sila Sid at Desteen sa mga gala at laro nila, dahil mas pinipili kong pumunta sa library at mag-aral. Other than that, I tried to be more observing of my teachers' teaching method, para ma-predict kung alin ang susunod na gagawin; kung may activity ba, quiz, o lecture sa susunod na klase nila sa amin. I became more serious as I felt the weight of saying my decision to study in such a prestigious school out loud. I signed up to something serious for the first time... and felt to live by it.



"50, Serina Gallardo."



"49, Ashley Sembrano."



"47, Rana Peña."



"45, Alyssa Custodio."



"43, Zyla Alonzo."



Bakit wala pa ako?



"41, Eli Panganiban."



"39, Charmaine Laxamana."



Kumunot ang noo ko. Pinagtinginan ako ng mga kaklase ko, dahil doon ay bumaba ang tingin ko. It was my first time studying that hard for a weekly assessment. I expected 50 and nothing else. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, 'kaya ko 'yan, nakaka-perfect na ako noon,' pero ano 'to? Anong nangyari sa akin? Bakit pasang-awa ako?



Namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko. Mabilis ko iyong pinunasan.



Ibinalik ko ang tingin ko sa harapan at nagmaang-maangan sa mga tingin na patuloy pa ring binibigay ng mga kaklase ko. Pati si Sid ay nakatitig sa akin kaya pilit akong ngumiti sa kaniya. Napabuntong-hininga na lang siya at tumingin na lang sa teacher namin.



Wala akong ganang magsalita sa buong period at tahimik lang na nakikinig sa mga anunsyo ng homeroom teacher. Nang matapos ang klase ay agad na sana akong aalis para umuwi nang humarang si Serina sa dinaraanan ko. Kunot na kunot ang noo niya.



"Okay ka lang?" mahinang tanong niya.



Hindi ko siya pinansin at gumilid paalis. Plano ko na sanang umuwi, kaso nang makaalis sa building namin ay nakita ko ang homeroom teacher namin. Without proper thought, tumakbo ako palapit sa kaniya.



"Maine! Are you okay?" tanong nito sa akin.



"Pwede ko po bang makita ang test paper ko?" hingal kong tanong sa kaniya.



Tumango siya sa akin at ngumiti. "Come with me," aniya. Sinundan ko siya papuntang faculty room sa kabilang building at pinanood siyang kuhain ang test paper ko mula sa isang folder. Inabot niya iyon sa akin. "Here."



I read all the questions and looked at my answers. Tama kung tutuusin ang mga mali ko... kaso may mga mas malalapit na sagot na siyang tama. Naka-underline lahat ng iyon. Sumakit ang ulo ko. Alam ko naman lagi na choose the best answer kapag multiple choice, ano 'to?



When I reached the bottom part of my paper, I saw who checked it: Serina Aestherielle Gallardo was written with a very neat and cursive handwriting.



"Take that, Maine," ani ng teacher habang aligaga ako sa pagbabasa sa test paper ko. "Recorded naman na. Study your wrong answers and be better next time." Tumingin ako sa kaniya at ngumiti siya sa akin, nakikisimpatya. I hated it. "But tell me, anak, what happened? Why the sudden decline? Lagi kang perfect..."


I looked down and didn't answer. Paano ko sasagutin... kung ako rin ay hindi ko alam?



"Alis na po ako, thank you," iyon na lang ang nasabi ko sa teacher bago lumabas sa faculty.



Everything felt unfair. Kung kailan ako nagsipag... kung kailan ko ginawa lahat, tsaka ako babagsak? Disappointing.

Tumambay muna ako sa likod ng main building at nagmuni-muni. Gusto kong umiyak... pero hindi ko kaya, lalo na isang pampublikong lugar. I wanted to let this emotion out because it was my first time feeling it, and it was already overwhelming me.



Ayaw kong nag-iisip ng ganito kaya umalis na lang din ako roon. Umiwas ako sa covered court dahil alam kong inaabangan ako nila Desteen doon. I went to another exit of the school, just to see Serina casually talking to Zia with a huge smile on her face. And for a split second... I wished she was the same Serina I met.



"Kain tayo ng ice cream!" alok ni Serina kay Zia. I was watching them from afar. "Don't pressure yourself, Zia! It's 39, pero pasado ka pa rin sa test! It's an achievement and I'm proud of you!"



Hindi na niya hinintay pa ang sasabihin ni Zia nang hawakan niya ang pala-pulsuhan nito at lumabas sa school. It took me a good few moments to walk out the same gate... and to wipe the lone tear the trailed down my face.