Ineffable

The Tribunal

The tribunal was held in a luxurious oak panneled conference room. Gas lights flickered in wall sconces set about the room and a warm fire cracked in a stone fireplace. The ground was the same misty surface they had been wandering in, and the fog wound its way in ghostly tendrils around the participants, seated about a long table. At first all Crowley felt was the warmth of the fire. He sensed light and movement. The relief from the monotony of the endless nothingness of Purgatory was overwhelming.

"Welcome," said Gaia, seated at the head of the table. Crowley looked up at her beautiful, unfocused face and was filled with relief. If Gaia was presiding he felt certain that justice would be done. He gave Aziraphale's hand an encouraging squeeze

God himself was there, seated at Gaia's right. He looked just like you'd expect - a powerful older man, with a white beard and flowing white robes, a kind but serious expression on his face. Crowley had not seen God since his own fall from grace, thousands of years ago. God had not changed. Beside him sat Saint Peter, looking righteous and angry and seated beside him, were the archangels of heaven, Michael, Gabriel and Raphael. The rest of the heavenly host, the minor angels, were lined up in a long row next to them.

To the left of Gaia sat Satan. Crowley had only actually met Satan a few times. The chief evil-doer of the universe preferred to leave his day to day communications to his underlings. He looked like a minor bureaucrat, a short man, balding, with a slight paunch and a four o'clock shadow. He was dressed in a business suit and he radiated evil. Seated beside him was Saint Jerome, and beside him were Beezlebub, Hastur, Ligur and a whole lineup of minor demons, in order of their importance, down to the leprechaun, O'Leary who gave Crowley a little wave when he caught his eye.

"You may be seated," said Gaia gesturing to the end of the table.

There were four empty chairs. Crowley, Aziraphale, Death and Adam filed into them.

"We have a problem," said Gaia.

She flicked on an old fashioned projector and the lights in the room dimmed. They saw images of earth where storms raged, earthquakes shook the land, volcanoes spewed lava and huge tidal waves roiled the seas.

"The old order is breaking down," said Gaia. "It is time for an adjustment."

"It's all their fault," said Satan glaring at Crowley and Aziraphale. His eyes were firely red in his otherwise bland face and his look burned. Aziraphale squeezed Crowley's hand and he knew that the angel could feel it too.

"They have sinned," God declared. "They have gone against the order, and the world rebels."

"They should be punished!" cried Saint Peter, spittle flying from his mouth.

"They are betrayers!" added Saint Jerome, shaking his fist, his face dark red and furious.

"I knew Crowley was spending too much time up above," Hastur put in. "He's gone native, like."

"He's got too fond of the humans he was living among. He likes 'em now. He's got," Ligur shuddered. "Empathy for 'em."

"I fear that Aziraphale also has allowed the humans to rub off on him. He has adopted their ways. He has dropped his sword of righteousness, and he has been led into sin by that.... Demon," said Gabriel, condescending bastard that he was.

"They should be tarred and feathered!" cried Saint Peter. "Drawn and quartered."

"Throw them to the deepest pits of hell! The hottest of fires!" added Saint Jerome, rubbing his hands together.

From down at the end of the table, little O'Leary the leprechaun stood up. He clambered onto the table and strode into the middle. His green top hat shone. "They was just kissin', " he said in a tremulous voice.