𝑽𝒐𝒚𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔

Chapter-4

It was around 3:45 in the morning when I overheard somebody crying. I considered following the sound. Recalling the events from a few hours ago, I opted to not overlook the situation this time.

As I opened the door to peek out I saw no ghost or anything but Ms. Sukaina crying while praying.
She was offering tahajjud prayers. Seeing her offering Salah with such dedication I felt the urge to join her then and there. Within a few minutes I was there already, on my prayer rug offering a few rukahh.

I was at ease. Peace was the only feeling I could sense at that moment. Tahajjud, this period, the one third of the night holds core value in my life.

Since the beginning I was someone who could feel the outer world but ignore the inner world; myself.

I used to try to be what others wanted me to be. To be a version they liked. Their definition of everything was something I wished to achieve.

Surely, no one wants to imitate anyone. But when you have been asked to do something others are doing- when you are forced to do better than others. Each day becomes a session for you to be someone else or to change your inner self for satisfying the outer world.

You become someone you do not like and someone who's liked and loved by the world---just because you want to fit in, and want to be accepted and admired.

Sometimes when I look back I wish I wasn't mature enough to understand those realities at such tender age. I wish.

I could detect when a kiddo was treated differently from the other. I could see through the comparison. The partiality of this world, I got that exposure quite earlier in my life and that sucks.

Facing comparison and meeting judgements at every other door I walked through had been a learning lesson I carry till date so to improve as a human.

Revisiting my childhood days, I realize one thing: I was a child but the world I had to deal with was not something children ever get to experience or wish for.

Being the first child, the elder sibling, I had to fulfill responsibilities. And amid these times, some days did evil to me and others were kind.

The kind days were when I was alone, busy in being a responsible daughter or when in school, improving to get better at English, Mathematics or Drawing.

School was my escape for sure, from the real world. And a way to give back to the world that was filled with expectations.

The bad days, ha-ha, were bad.

I was all tears while conversing with Allah when a tap on my shoulder made me realize I was not actually alone in that place at that moment.

'Everything will be fine, dear!'- she nodded and grabbed The Quran and started reciting it in a slow yet serene voice.

'Ya hayyu ya qayyum berahmatika astaghisu: O Living, O Self-Sustaining Sustainer in Your Mercy do I seek relief.'-

Concluding my prayer I joined Ms. Sukaina who handed my a mini Quran. In a while, we prayed Fajar Salah, read some more verses and went to our respected rooms exchanging hugs.