God and Monsters

Chapter 24

"I have an awkward question," I start, and I almost immediately regret saying anything at all when Lisa grins slyly at me. She probably thinks I'm going to ask her to do something weird.

This will be the first time I'm planning on leaving the property since I've been home, and my anxiety is high. It's been a little over a week since I had talked about my mom with Lisa, and it made me feel... better. Enough to get up every day, shower, take walks to the cliff, get some fresh air, and just... live. I think I've reached the point where I need to feel human again, but there's been one nagging concern in my head that's keeping me from feeling that.

"Can... Would you mind driving me to the clinic?"

Usually, I'd drive myself, but the thought of getting behind the wheel again makes me break out in hives. My car was totaled in the accident, and even though Lisa bought me a new one, I can hardly get in it without having an anxiety attack. Plus, it's missing the ketchup stain on the roof, and I miss that stain. I still don't remember where it came from, but I'm pretty sure it was from a fly-away French fry after I hit a speed bump too hard. So anyway, I decided Lisa taking me would cause more annoyance, but less panic. Her face relaxes, and I think she knows what I'm asking.

"Sure, baby," she agrees, nodding toward the door. "I'll be in the car." She stands, then pauses and looks at me. "And by the way, nothing is awkward between us. If you need me to pluck a butthole hair, I'll do it." She shrugs, "Or you know, pop an ingrown hair on your vagina."

My mouth drops open, but then my eyes narrow, and I cross my arms.

"How much shit did you watch me do when you were being a little creep?"

Her grin only widens in response before she walks out of the door.

I swear I hate her.

But I'm thankful that she's not asking questions. How does one say, hey, I want to get tested for STDs because I had a bunch of dicks in me without at least one person feeling uncomfortable? Doesn't really come out right, no matter how you word it. I will forever be thankful for Francesca forcing Rocco and his friends to use condoms, aside from the first time Rocco assaulted me. She said we would be worthless if they gave us diseases. But it was useless anyway- they certainly didn't use condoms when they forced us to perform oral. I think it just made Francesca feel like she was being responsible.

According to Rio, there was an incident long before I arrived, where one of the guys gave all the girls syphilis. Since then, Francesca has been diligent about them getting tested if they wanted to partake in our 'lessons,' but I wouldn't trust any of them to actually keep their dicks clean. Xavier used condoms, too, but there was one occurrence when the condom broke. I bite my lip, anxiety flaring just thinking about that minuscule chance that I got knocked up anyway, despite that I have the IUD. It's improbable, but not impossible. My heart drops, picturing the disgusted look on Lisa's face when finding out that I'm pregnant with another man's baby.

I know her well enough by now that I'm confident she wouldn't actually give me that look, but that image plagues me anyway. I wouldn't blame her if she did. That disgust is what I feel every time I stare in the mirror. Which is why I tend to avoid it at all costs. I'm getting a pregnancy test, and if I did get that unlucky, I'm throwing myself off the building next.

**********

I've been out of the house for a total of two hours and forty-seven minutes, and I'm fucking exhausted. I'm still riddled with anxiety, nauseated by the possibility that I'm as filthy as I feel.

"You look like you need ice cream," Lisa announces, her palm flat on the steering wheel as she makes a left turn. It's... hot. Watching Lisa drive is foreplay.