God and Monsters

Chapter 27

The sound of Francesca's heels rebound against the ceiling, sending my heart flying into my throat. Ashley glances upward, unsettled by the sound but used to Parks Manor's shenanigans. I, on the other hand, am having a silent heart attack. I've been hearing those sharp footsteps since I've been home, and though they're not actually Francesca's, I think the wicked ghosts in this house know they haunt my nightmares and enjoy bringing them to life.
I curl my hands into tight fists to abate the shaking, racking my brain for something to distract me.

"Maybe I should just become a nun," I announce, causing Ashley to pause mid-pour. She's filling up a glass of red wine, and it feels... weird. Like I shouldn't be standing here enjoying wine when I've murdered people and escaped sex trafficking.

We're sitting at my kitchen island, and I can't help but bask in the nostalgia. I was gone for two and a half months, but it feels like years. It's weird, but it feels good, too. To be here with her again, drinking like no time has passed at all.

Ashley blinks at me, thrown off from my declaration, and slides the glass over to me.

"I love you, but you wouldn't even last a day."

"Rude," I mutter, taking a sip of the wine. I cringe, the bitter taste invading my taste buds. I like my wine sweet, but it's what Ashley had in her fridge.

"You want to become a nun because you can't tolerate touch in general, or touch from Lisa?"

I pick at a hangnail. "Lisa, which is proving very difficult with training. She has to touch me, and every time she does, I fucking panic, then waffle between freezing up and going ballistic." After Lisa and I agreed to take down the Society together a month ago, I felt something shift inside my chest. A purpose was born, and it serves to get me out of bed every morning and train.

But it's not a magical fix-all. I look at Lisa, and I feel everything I felt after giving in to her. The magnetism, the connection, and the love. She's given me the space I so desperately need, even though I can see that it's killing her inside. While I feel guilty every time I pull away, I also feel relief. But now I feel other things-things that I know have nothing to do with her, but with sex. The thought of it makes me want to vomit, and there's this fear ingrained in me that every time Lisa shows me any affection, that's what it's going to lead to. It played such a huge part in our relationship before I was kidnapped; it's difficult to train my brain to think it's going to be anything else. Lisa is a flirt, and while she's made plenty of sexual remarks, she hasn't made a single attempt to seduce me.

"And then I get angry," I continue, frowning into my Merlot. "I lash out at her and say horrible things, and she just fucking takes it."

"Baby girl, it's going to take a while for you to work through your trauma. You have PTSD, as anyone would. Don't rush yourself."

"I think it'd be easier if I wasn't in love with her," I admit, circling my finger around the glass. It creates a soft sound that is soothing to the turmoil in my head.

"I still feel attraction, ya know? Like every time she touches me, I want to enjoy it. I just can't. She hasn't even made any advances. Nothing sexual, but that's where my head immediately goes, and then I'm right back in that house with Xavier."

"Did you talk to Lisa about him?"

I take another gulp of Merlot before responding, "Yes. After we agreed to work together, we sat down, and I told her everything. Well... not everything. Not the gruesome details. But she knows the CliffsNotes of what I went through, and she explained how she found me. Talked about some brotherhood and told me all about Max."

A sadness cloaks her sage eyes, and I can tell she's anxious because she starts fiddling with her nose ring. "Yeah, she... saved me, too. From Luke."

I reach over and grab her hand, squeezing tightly. Lisa told me what happened with Ashley, but I was waiting for her to bring it up to me first. If there's anything I understand, it's not wanting to relive certain things. We've all been suffering in very different ways, yet the source of our pain is the same.
The Society. Claire.
Ashley was the decoy to draw me out of Parks Manor so Rio and Rick could kidnap me. Of course, Luke was the one to put her through hell, but none of that would've happened if it wasn't for Claire leading Max to believe that Lisa killed his father, and then putting a target on my head. One that Max immediately jumped on, angry and intent on getting revenge.