if I were my dog, I wouldn't live long I'm sure gonna miss her when she's gone

Karma by AJR, huh?

(This was supposed to be a healthy vent you know, to write feelings out. Ended up realizing how fucked up my life is currently. Mention of selfharm, suicide, death. Shit like that. Its not a note though. Dont report me or whatever, ill be fine after I sleep and play video games all day. Its almost funny how my life is relating to verses or parts of ajr songs at the moment. All the fucked up parts for sure though.)

The first few months of college were fun and I had a great time.

It was filled with discovering new identities and meeting new people that had me finally feeling hope for the future. My hall was filled with people I would even consider life long friends if given the chance.

A single week had all my relationships crumpling in my hands.

I had to go home and care for my three dogs and sibling while our parents were away on a business trip. I spent most of my days going back and forth from home to school and back again. I would wake up in my parent's bed with my sibling next to me, three dogs at our feet, and dread the day ahead.

Each drive to school felt longer and longer. My vision would spin and dance as I drove, hands clenching the steering wheel in an attempt to "stay awake, stay aware" as I kept repeating to myself in a mantra.

Most of my time was spent in classes, in my room, or walking back to the parking garage in the cold, alone. It felt empty as I saw less and less of people, eating meals alone for the first time since moving in. They all stopped inviting me.

One of those last few days, I was walking to the parking garage with my head tipped down. I couldn't look at the top of the garage, seeing the ledge I had sat on weeks ago when everything became too much. It still was too much and I had to pull out my car keys, cutting my wrist with the key to my school mailbox. It was all I could do to focus on pressing the "5" instead of "6" while in the elevator.

I spent most of my phone storage on collecting videos of that time. It was me just crying and venting to a camera in my car. I had more panic attacks in those videos than I have had in months.

I had the opportunity of venturing out and growing a friendship. It was a monday night after class when I got a message from a classmate. She asked if I wanted to attend a club and have dinner. I hated that I had to return home, knowing my sibling was waiting. The one time that anyone had invited me out, the one person that wasn't a friend of my friends that I had found on my own, and I had to deny it.

I regret it still now.

The week after, I returned more exhausted.

People gave me hugs and I took them but they felt almost empty. My roommate didn't look like he struggled without me, saying he had friends over. Another person said that I must have had a terrible week from what they heard.

They don't even know the half of it.

I still wasn't invited to lunch after that. The only reason I got some invitations was because I knew what time they had meals at and knew I could catch them. I felt worse and starting ordering at the cafe so I could take it back to my room, eating in the dark while watching videos on YouTube. It really didn't take long for them to forget I existed.

The last few weeks of the semester felt empty and lonely.

I spent most of it holed up in the dorm room, awaiting my roommate like an eager dog. He left most of the time with friends and the room was dark again.

The days felt short as I slept through most of them and then I was on winter break.

My parents had taken me home earlier than I expected, I didn't want to be left alone anyways. I packed quickly, tried to pretend I was having a good time and left with them.