if I were my dog, I wouldn't live long I'm sure gonna miss her when she's gone

I'll Scream When Nobody's Around

To start off, I have this friend.

At least, I hope she is a friend, she is part of a group I often eat meals with and hangout but I don't know her personal idea of me but yeah. She's interesting and fun sometimes so I like being around her when I can.

But here is the thing, she often just calls me sad. It has often brought the group to silence or just makes me incredibly embarrassed. Because... she's right. I am sad. All the time.

I dont try to be, I know how much people hate having a downer but it gets hard to mask it. Like I will sit at lunch dissociating and being quiet while everyone else laughs at a joke I don't get. It isn't their fault that it just... happens.  I am also well known for being a napper in the hall, they all know I am in my dorm room by myself if I haven't forced myself out of bed. They know the only response they will get out of me is that I'm tired especially on these days where I am just hibernating.

We had a gal/palentine's day dinner and I was invited. I was dissociating hard during the whole thing, feeling off but trying my hardest to interact. I didn't know a few of the people very well. They started playing a game, one where another person says why you won't ever get laid. It happened to be this friend and she was going to say why I wouldn't get laid. She immediately said that I would be too sad to and the table went deathly silent. They abandoned the game immediately after that.

Last night we had dinner, the first dinner I have had in a long time with other people on Campus considering I always take a nap or cannot force myself to get up. I managed to catch the group in time to join them. I sat with them and it was fun. At one point, one of my suitemates and someone else left so it was me, someone else and this friend. They were talking all about Taylor Swift and music while I dissociated, barely there. She introduced me into the conversation and asked me if I listened to a few artists/songs. I didn't but she said they were sad. I would like them. I laughed in disbelief, did she really think I would listen to sad music (i do) but she tried to shake it off by saying thats not why I would like the artists and music but she never explained why. It still feels like 'sad genre' and 'sad you' is what she was going with.

On the other hand, I could see where she was getting with it. I had a crappy break, it was filled with naps, dissociation and rotting but I managed. People at lunch today were talking about breaks and I was fine listening. I was happy other people did fun stuff and had a great time. People noticed I was left out and asked me. I couldn't look them in the eyes as I told them a brief "it was fine" and lied straight through my teeth. They started pressing, one person mentioning my dogs. My heart slightly tore, knowing I spent one of those night reminiscing on missing my dog that died a few months ago. I said it was nice to be with the other two. One of them remembered I had a guinea pig. She asked me how he was. I couldn't look them in the eyes and I could feel what little energy and burst of happiness leave me. He died a month after my dog did, exact day. They realized and all apologized. I had to laugh it off and luckily someone came over to bring the topic back.

I also scared my teacher I think. I recently had a "reading quiz" also known as write an essay in five minutes. I did and immediately wrote "i want to kill myself" or something like that. Erased it at the end but I don't know if i got all of it. Then we talked before break as a class and I finally talked in our circle for the first time in awhile mentioning that I have been having a hard time and wasnt thrilled to go home. She called me up after class to discuss briefly. I cried and ran because that's all a coward like me can do. She emailed me at 3am the next day, asking me if I was safe. Its been on my mind ever sense. I responded, told her I was because my family would never do anything (i would to myself though).

Ive come back from break and I dont spend a moment longer in the class with her in fear she is going to call me out. Call me out and force me to stand there as I try not to cry or have a worse day. I hate her class anyways, she is unbearable and this has made it worse. Im seen as sad by even my own teacher.

I hate being the sad one. I just want to be normal.