All Our Secrets

One Size Fits All

T-shirt's too tight at the sleeves
Sandals that clutch to your ankles but leave your toes hanging out
It's all meant for you
But for some reason, none of it fits
~Phoebe XO

It was even more weird waking up in Russell's house than I had been anticipating. The bed was too big, the room too clean and new and most importantly, no one was yelling or screaming or singing like back home.

I couldn't help but look around wondering what things would have been like if he had been in my life before.

Not that I didn't like the life I had now. My mum always worked hard to provide and give me everything she could manage.

And she brought Isaiah into my life who was the best father figure a girl could ask for.

But that didn't mean I ever stopped thinking about our lives pre-Isaiah.

The dingy motels. Days of living in my mums car. Her making it seem like an adventure so that I never felt weird about it.

When my mother told me about Russell, I should have been more shocked but to be honest, I wasn't.

I always had a feeling my mother had some big secrets from her past that she never spoke of.

I could tell even Isaiah wondered why she never spoke about her college days or where she had even lived before she had me.

Finding out about Russell was just another puzzle piece I needed to fit in an attempt to figure out who my mum really was.

Everyone saw the talkative, jovial, optimistic, eternally happy woman. But Isaiah and I were some of the only people who saw the woman who sometimes wandered outside the house barefoot and stared at nothing for hours before bursting out crying.

We never got an explanation for her tears. The next morning she'd be her usual happy self and tell us, 'everyone gets sad sometimes'.

When I had later told Jadyn the story, he had been surprised that I had been so calm and mature about it all.

I think he had been expecting more drama and yelling.

But I knew my mother. And as much as I wanted to show how mad I was at her, I also knew there was a dark side to her past that had hurt he so much that she didn't ever talk about it

Had it had something to do with her and Russell? I don't know. But I didn't want to push it lest she retreat into the depressive episodes that crushed us as much as they crushed her.

So in short, I was scared.

I know, I'm a coward for that.

But I would rather have her whole than broken.

I heard a soft knock at the door.

"Come in!" I called out.

The knocking was different as well. My mother and Carter had clear boundary issues when it came to entering my room.

Rachel peeked her head in.

"Can I come in?" She asked.

Well I hadn't said 'come in' the first time as a joke.

I nodded at her.

"Your mother told me you'd most likely be up by now." She spoke and I hated how awkward she looked in her own house.

"Oh yeah, I'm an early riser. Always have been."

It used to drive my mum crazy that I was a five year old who loved watching the sun rise. Trouble was, I used to shake her awake to watch it with me.