between the pages

Chapter 5

Noah, Age 19

I sat on the curb with my head between my knees, trying to get a hold of myself. 

I don't know what I was thinking.

a tattoo? really?

I couldn't even eat gluten without freaking out and I thought a tattoo was a good idea.

I'd survived five minutes in the waiting room before I felt like throwing up and ran outside. I don't know what exactly prompted me to be this afraid of tattoos, but I guess the issue was more symbolic. 

Technically speaking, this tattoo was my first venture as an adult. It would be the first thing I did that was reckless and daring.

Oftentimes, I felt like a complete loser. My whole life, anxiety made me fear regular reckless teenage decisions. I thought even the smallest one would demolish my existence and all of my plans, so I would stay in and keep the adventures to a minimum.

But the older I got, the more I worried that I wasn't really responsible but more just plain boring. When I reached my old and gray years, I was going to have no stories to tell my grandkids. none. nada.

So I scheduled a tattoo appointment. It wasn't like I was getting a sleeve but I thought it was still pretty interesting. I thought I was set-- I even got my friends to go with me as emotional support. The plan was to get a swan tattooed on my forearm, but when I checked in at the parlor, I just panicked. 

I breathed in and out staring at the pavement in front of me, trying to steady myself. I tried to focus on the minor details of the road. The texture, the different shades of gray, all in hopes of distracting myself from my unresolvable cowardice.

As I went to put my head down again, I felt a nudge to my left thigh.

A quick glance up, and I was staring at a brown-haired boy followed closely by people who could only be my best friends Riya and Sage. 

Braden sat down next to me, making sure to give me some space.

"Are you okay?" he said softly.

"Yeah," added Sage cautiously, "we were worried about you."

Her dark, chestnut hair glistened in the sun and she moved to the other side of me.

"I'm fine guys," I said shakily, "I just panicked."

"Noah," said Riya, "it's not like you're getting married, you're just getting a tattoo."

"I know, I know, It's just that," I took a deep breath before looking at them "I feel like this is so huge, you know? I feel like I'm being irresponsible and I'm just the only human on the planet who's doing something completely insane." I sighed, "Maybe I'm just not cut out to make reckless decisions. Maybe this is what I needed to realize that."

I stood up and sniffled while wiping away stray tears, "Let's just go."

Sage linked her arm with mine and beckoned Riya and Braden to follow us as we walked but immediately stopped in her tracks thereafter.

"No," we heard.

I looked at Braden who was towering over us. He always towered over most people in a room given he was 6' 4 but this time he towered over us adamantly but with a look of knowing behind his eyes.

"You're gonna go in there, you're going to get your swan tattoo, and you're gonna tell your kids about how last-minute and spontaneous it was years from now." 

"But, Bra-"

"I know it's scary, Noah, but that's why you have to do it," His gaze got softer as he continued speaking, "I've known you for a year now and if there's anything I've observed, it's that you keep cutting yourself off at the knees. You are capable of so much and we all know it," he looked around at Sage and Riya, "I see it every day in how hard you work and how much you care about the people around you. So you're gonna get that tattoo and everything is going to be okay."