Repeat Insanity

I am fucking insane.

I wish I wasn't but truthfully I am.

Or at the very least I feel like it and even then I know I actually am.

I slept with someone, got chlamydia from them, and then slept with them again.

I made an entire playlist for this guy I liked and watched his postings religiously for any music he would share and add it to the playlist even if it didn't fit the vibe.

I get anxious about first dates but have not a care in the world when I'm drunk and hit on everyone in my view.

I change parts of myself to better fit other people's mold of me.

That's especially true if they're interested in me romantically.

I moved six hours away from people I love to start fresh in a new state.

I feel lonely a lot.

Like a lot a lot.

I eat alone.

I go to class alone.

I spend time alone.

I start and end my day alone.

I have a dilemma.

I have been single since early October.

I need this time to be single.

But now I crave something.

Companionship.

Intimacy.

Love.

A romantic relationship.

For someone who is scared of commitment it's actually kinda ironic how much I want to be committed.

I want someone to claim me as their partner.

Proudly.

I want to do the same.

Prouder.

I feel pathetic for having these thoughts.

These feelings.

These wants but not needs.

I don't need a relationship.

I don't need that person in my life.

But why do I want it so damn badly?

I don't believe in God however I do believe the idea is a man.

Cause only a man would fuck up so many individuals for the plot of it all.

One of those individuals being me.

My emotions are a constant back and forth.

Like a seesaw.

One moment I am the best to exist and no one on this earth is even worthy of looking my way.

The next I'm on my knees groveling for someone else's carbon dioxide.

Just a part of them.

My parents got together when they were twenty.

I'm about to be twenty and have no one.

Great start.

I know it's different.

They went to the same high school but didn't connect until college and even then they knew they were heading back to their same hometown.

I don't have that option.

Granted I've never truly wanted it but it's just not even a choice.

That just makes it so much harder emotionally.

They're still together by the way.

Which is great but I do get weirdly jealous because I know my story is going to be a lot different yet I have no clue what's gonna happen in it.

It's annoying.

That's what it is.

It's just flat out fucking annoying.

I have to be the one to go away.

To figure it out.

To get a good education while maintaining good grades.

To find a career that suits me.

To find a career that makes money.

To find a career that makes others proud.

I'm really scared to be myself.

I'm scared to disappoint my family.

My friends.

Myself.

I want to be with the person I want to be with.

But I am so terrified of what will happen because I truly don't know.

I just want to be loved by my family.

My friends.

Myself.

And because of all these things.

These measurements of worthiness in my mind.

These weighing guilts on my shoulders.

These issues of mine.

I am fucking insane.

I don't know how else to describe it.

Maybe feminine rage but more internal screaming.

Yeah, I'm insane.