Dirty, Dirty Liars [Mature]

[21] 二十一

Nurses don't have time to be depressed. At least not in Tokyo.

Like so many times in Japan, I felt isolated. Without Ryuzo, I lost my support system, proving how much I relied on him. Between language and cultural barriers, there was no one else I could talk to. Even if it were possible to get with a therapist, I couldn't admit I had been with a member of the Yakuza. Few would relate to, or be able to, discuss the difficulties of interracial relationships. I was alone again.

I couldn't eat. In the minimal hours I had to sleep, every time I tried, I'd dream of him. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Stuck in Japan for another six months while the man who said he loved me wanted nothing to do with me was too much to process. So, I didn't.

In the few moments of weakness when I looked through my window or peeked around the corner, there was no handsome man with melancholy eyes standing at the bottom of red-lit stairs. No ex . . . whatever he was to me, staring at me or placing himself in my path. Just heartbreak, angst, and zero closure.

Work kept me busy. Too busy. If Ayumi had noticed, she had said nothing yet. She didn't want me to be with him anyway. Maybe leaving it alone and keeping me running between patient rooms was her form of positive affirmation.

In the calm at the end of my shift, it felt harder to hide from my thoughts. Knowing I would have to go home, be close to him while being worlds away, made me feel like I was one train ride away from a breakdown.

I left the bathroom and almost bumped into Kat. "Sorry," I said, too practiced in the Japanese art of apologizing for everything.

She eyed me. "I was going to leave you be, but you look awful."

"Thanks."

"What's going on, love?"

My laugh was weak. "I'm just tired."

"Everyone in Tokyo is tired, love," she laughed. "You look proper knackered."

Whatever that meant, I agreed. "Probably."

"Well . . . Me and a friend are going to a new spot tonight. I'd love you to come with."

"Thank you for the invite."

"But?"

I didn't have a "but." Not anymore. "No but. Just thank you."

"Hello!" Ayumi appeared as if on cue. "Did you say you are going somewhere tonight?"

"Yeah." Kat's eyes were a bit too wide, showing her fear. "But it's an odd place. You might not like it."

"I like everything!"

Kat's wide-eyed stare turned to me. I wasn't sure why she looked the way she did until we went.

. . .

We walked the back streets of Shibuya, passing the flashing lights of clubs spilling deafening music into the streets. Everything was flashing, screaming, replacing the noise in my head. Every street was packed with play places of various kinds, so when we stopped at a sunken entrance, barely visible behind the signs of the neighboring establishments, I thought nothing of it. She could have taken me anywhere and I wouldn't have cared. I just wanted to feel something other than numb.

"Here," Kat announced. Her friend, a national with the muscle tone of a fitness model and a ponytail to her ass, walked in first, Ayumi following without pause.

The entrance was only a little door with an innocuous rainbow sticker on the top of the doorframe, like a sacrificial goat's blood, meant to save our souls from the hetero-normative reaping.