I woke up in the middle of the night in despair. It didn't seem like I was in my body. I didn't feel a thing as I found my old razor blade and pulled it across my skin over and over. The pain made me finally feel again. I needed to make sure I could feel and that was my way of doing it. I had locked my bedroom door so I was alone. I didn't stop like I had before. I kept cutting and cutting to feel something.
Lacy knocked the door and tried to come in. When she couldn't she flipped out.
"Let me in Elle!!!What's going on???? I know you're awake. I heard you. Don't make me come in."
I heard running and the lock clicking. She burst into the room.
"Stop Elle!!!!!STOP!!!!"
I just couldn't. The blood was seeping down my arms to my legs but I kept cutting. I had no control over my body anymore. She ran up to me and yanked the razor from my hand. I just looked down and stared at my arms watching the blood fall.
"Oh God please help. Look at you Elle. Have you done this before?"
I just shook my head, still looking at the ground. She went into the bathroom and I heard a flush. It was probably the razor. She came back with medical supplies. I still looked down.
"You're too beautiful for this. You don't need to cut. Look at me." I looked up to see her blue eyes full of concern. "I know things hurt, but that doesn't mean you have to cut to feel. I've been there before. I've cut so many times I've lost count. It didn't make a difference and I realized the only person I was hurting was myself. You see my best friend had this same conversation with me when she found me cutting. That really opened my eyes and made me realize that I was better than that. Can you do the same for me?"
"Yeah." I said in an almost inaudible voice.
She had finished dressing my wounds and kissed my forehead, a thing to try and comfort me. It was the same thing my mom did years ago.
"Now get some sleep and things will be better in the morning."
"Thank you."
"Don't mention it. I have to help family. Don't worry. I won't tell anyone but I'm going to help you through this. Next time you feel upset please talk to me instead."
"I haven't had someone to talk to in a long time. It's really hard for me to. I promise I'll try. My arms are almost completely covered in scars."
"I know. I've seen them before but I didn't ask. Does Brandon know about the cutting?"
"Yeah. I told him....."
"How did he react?"
"He was mad...."
I was so ashamed. I didn't want to cut but once I did I couldn't stop. The pain made me feel when I felt like I could never feel again.
"I bet...Now get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning and I promise things will get better. Please don't do this to yourself."
"Night."
"Goodnight Elle."
I fell asleep, for the first time in years I actually had a great sleep. It was probably because I finally knew how much Lacy really was there for me.
*********
"Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!"
I was groggy with sleep but I realized the voice wasn't Lacy's I just laid there with my eyes closed acting like I was still asleep. Hopefully if someone was going to kill me they would change their minds if I was asleep.
