Sometimes I feel weird, and not in a good way. In an "I kind of want to grab a pencil, shove it up my nose, stir my brains and kill myself" kind of way. This is how I felt now sitting at my lunch table looking down at the food in front of me. School was such a pain. I'm too smart for all my classes but my dad won't believe me. He thinks I'm an idiot. Whatever. Honestly, I don't even think it was that sickening smell after the fire that made me like this. I think it was the grief. Even as a small child, I felt like my world was ending. I knew my dad was the same. I could feel it. But he was never there. He just...disappeared. not literally but he was just never there. I missed being tucked into bed and having my food cut up for me. I missed being loved and cared for. Sometimes I still do. I just thank God my brother has me. My brother is two years older than me. His name is Malcolm. He has autism. He goes to a special school, and he's super happy there. He also struggles with the loss of our mom but I'm always there for him. If anyone hurts him I will literally fucking beat the shit out of them. I mean it. I've meant it. "Drew???" Liam looked at me with a mix of confusion and concern "Are you okay?" He asks "Yeah. Fine." I swipe my food into the bin and get up. My eyes squeeze shut. My hand hurts like hell from yesterday. It's bandaged up and buried in my hoodie pocket. It's difficult to write in class but whatever. "You-" Henry starts but the bell goes. I groan and grab my shit and start walking away. I seriously can't be arsed with them right now.
I sit in class in silence. I don't really know many people here. I could try to socialise but putting on something in hopes people will like it isn't something I have the energy to do right now. It's a stupid Spanish lesson. We barely do anything and I am Hispanic so I don't see the point. I rest my head on the desk and shut my eyes. I listen to the hum of noisy students chatting. I can't make out any conversation. It has all morphed into one distinct sound. It's distant. Like I'm not here. I don't feel real. I almost feel like I'm in some show or something. Just dancing in a viewer's palm for entertainment. I'm not alive. My head is slumped against the desk like I'm a doll. I'm numb. Before I know it I feel myself raise my hand. I ask sir if I can go to the bathroom. He says yes and gives me a hall pass. I pick up my bag and begin to walk. I walk past different classrooms but none of them are important. I head into the bathroom. I pull out the shimmering shard and look at it my palm, seeing my empty expression in the reflection. In a swift movement I feel the cold edge against my skin. I wanna feel it. I wanna feel alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive Alive ALIVE
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