My Heart's Addiction

Wrath

Lately, I have felt nothing but anger and animosity towards Peyton. Every time, he seemed to indirectly tell me that I was the only one at fault. The only reason the relationship failed in the first place. In this case, it was so untrue. I did everything in my willpower to keep it going. Stop it from going so sour as he just sat there and watched me suffer.

I loved him with everything I had and made numerous sacrifices to the point where trust in my family was broken so I could be with him. I started feeling bound because I didn't want his jealousy to spiral, and then I would end up suffocating. I wasn't getting enough of his time and always felt like I was second to nothing. I felt irrelevant and couldn't get his attention for at least five minutes.

Of course, nobody is perfect. I surely didn't want him to be perfect, but I guess I put him on a pedestal with expectations and often forgot that he was only human. As much as I imagined him to be my knight in shining armor, he was pretty much the opposite. He didn't fight for us like I imagined; he just got tired, and I resent him so much.

Every day on the ride from college, we were constantly bickering. Fighting. Hurting. It was hell for everyone that was watching. It was hell for me to feel this angry at him. He moved on from me after promising he wouldn't date anyone while waiting for me. He kissed me and made me feel hopeful after telling me he still can't leave her.

Of course, I was still second to best. Peyton's words meant nothing once I saw how he treated me. I was nothing to him now. He didn't care about how I felt for him. He didn't see a future with me anymore while I struggled to get over mine with him. He was my first REAL love, and now he just become my worst nightmare. Living and breathing nightmare.

I took out all my pent-up anger against him for god knows how long it was. He showed me the world and destroyed it with the crush of his hands. I wanted to ruin his like he did for mine. I gave him all my love, but he disregarded it. He kissed me once too often to tell me he loves his girlfriend now. He knows he loves me, knows I love him; why is he making it more complex than it should be?

I have made a fool of myself. I knew it was all too good to be true. I must be the problem, or Peyton was just tired of me. Nothing made any sense, yet I still managed to take my anger out on him. I feel bad. I feel awful. I don't even fully remember the extent of the pain I've put him through. I don't believe I put him through that much where; I feel as if I'm worthless to him now. My heart feels heavy; I need to distance myself from him.

I needed to make arrangements; there was no possible way I could sit next to him any longer. I hate seeing him hurt from the way I am treating him. I can't keep doing this to him. I love him, and it's time to let him go. This anger, hatred, and pain are so unnecessary when they can be solved with a little distance. I keep telling myself not to get involved, but I do the opposite. I need to do what's best for me. What's best for us.

"Well, I texted him that it's best to keep our distance and I apologized for hurting him." I sighed, lying on the living room floor and staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah, I heard that from him early. I also heard him say that one less problem I had to deal with." He gloomed with me.

What.

"He really said that?" I sat up, staring at my phone with wide eyes at Carter.

"Well, I don't think it's in the context you're thinking of." He hesitated, adverting eye contact.

This caused me to be livid, and then I made an irrational decision to move away from him altogether. I can't do this to myself anymore cause why I am over here waiting around for a guy I clearly have no business involving myself with or who wants to be involved with me. I asked Thelma to switch seats with me, and it was officially decided that we would have nothing to do with each other.

I decided to ease my mind and watch a show with Carter. That didn't last for long until a text came through from Peyton. Well, this is about to be a long night.

Peyton: When were you going to say that we are changing seats?

Me: Peyton, wouldn't that make sense, considering we're not best friends anymore?

Peyton: Isn't that what you wanted?

Me: That doesn't make sense.

Peyton: How?

Me: Why does this matter? First off, shouldn't you feel happy? You'll be sitting closer to your new friend now.

Peyton: That's your problem. You're always assuming and yet forget the whole reason as to why I sat next to you in the first place. You never listen; everything I say comes in one ear and out the other with you.

Damn him. I have listened to him long enough, and he fails to take accountability for all the pain and hurt I bit through for him.

Me: I understand that you moved closer to me, but the fact remains, why should I torture myself and consistently feel like I am ruining a friendship that is happening and that I can see that I have been replaced by the snap of your fingers?

Peyton: Here you go again. You're still assuming.

Me: Yes, here I go again. Same arguments and truthful statements. Peyton, I have tried my hardest to see you as a friend, but it's not working for me. I have seen how at ease you are when I'm not around because I know how irritating I am. Trust me, you're far better off without me.

Peyton: You're wrong, Morgan. You may be a pain in the ass, but trying to ghost you, ignore you, or even not look your way is not possible. Why in my right mind would I ghost someone I see every day? I wouldn't replace you after four years.

Me: It's too late. Thelma has already tried to replace me. I see it on your face, eyes, and voice. Being your friend or best friend is a struggle cause I know how I feel for you. It would interrupt anything, such as your friendship with Thelma and your relationship with your girlfriend. I have no space in your life.

Peyton: You keep seeing it as a war. Why can't you just be my best friend? Why does it have to be this or that? As soon as I talk to Thelma, you immediately get jealous. You know where you stand; stop making it a war cause you're hurting your head for nothing.

Me: You would never understand the hold you have on me. So yes, it will be a war every day for me.

Peyton: Just stop. Is it that bad for me to have friends?

I had no more energy to keep it going. And if it did keep going, we would end up saying something we would regret. Yet Peyton just kept going and going. I was still growing tired and tired by the minute it went on. And then he said something that had made me snap.

Peyton: You know what you won, Morgan. I'm not arguing anymore. Have fun explaining to Carter that you couldn't keep a friend due to another person. Especially your best friend.

Me: It's okay, Peyton. I know how you said I am one less of a problem to worry about. You made me realize what my worth was, and you don't understand how hard I tried to hold on, but I was hurting badly. Some best friends you call yourself to be. You are no better than my last ex. I hate you so much.

That's how it ended. That's how I destroyed it. That's how words can't be taken back in the heat of the moment.