𝙵𝚊𝚕𝚕 2021
૮ℓσѵε૨
I hate myself.
A part of me hates myself that this stupid journal has became my new best friend, but I also hate myself because every single scenario I played in my head since me and him parted last night wasn't what I had planned.
My heart racing, and the tears after he left. None of it planned, nobody.
How in the hell can I still love someone who has shown in the last year and a bit I'll never manner in the same way he did for me?
I wanted to scream and cry, wail my arms and demand to know why I wasn't ever enough even after I entirely ruined myself for him, demand to know why after everything I sacrificed he still ran back to the one girl who ripped apart my entire life and reputation.
These are questions, nobody, I don't think I'll ever get answers too.
There was a time where we once were all each other had. It was just us two. In my hiatus from this horrendous town I often wondered if those times, that promise of loving each other for forever and a day, if it only meant something to just me.
I saw it last night. I saw the way his eyes lingered searching for the girl who walked away from him that day at the beach and flew home, I saw the way his hands slightly hesitated to reach for me. But it wasn't enough, none of his half assed attempts were enough.
I'm conflicted, nobody.
How can I hate someone, but still be as blindly in love as I was in the locker room during my junior year?
