SUICIDAL

SUICIDAL IV

After spending two days in the hospital being constantly observed and watched by the doctors and officers who were stationed at my door, I was finally discharged. Xavier had handed my medical reports to the court, pulling some favours here and there he had managed to get me under house arrest instead of sleeping in a cell and awaiting trial. The doctor had also suggested I avoid any triggering situations that could lead to a relapse.

I was happy about going home, being under house arrest wasnt much of a big deal, it wasnt a big deal at all, it wasnt like I ever left the comfort of my home before, so it was a win for me. My legs still hadnt completely recovered from the seizure yet so I was placed in a wheelchair and given a nurse to assist me until my legs could fully function on their own. Of course, I rejected the offer of a personal nurse, it was already by enough that I had to be surrounded by officers day in, and day out but a nurse was too much and crossing the line, there was only little I could endure, I valued my personal space more than my life, well after all I had gone through I deserved a break from all form of human interaction, my social battery was already exhausted and I dont know how much longer I could last. The doctor hand insisted and Sergeant Austine didnt leave me any choice, I hated the fact I was being forced once again into doing something I didnt want; Xavier gave some bullshit reason on why it was important I had a medical assistant and had promised shed leave immediately I recovered completely.

The investigations for the case were still being carried out although the police claimed to have more than enough evidence to lock me up for good. Sergeant Austine had become a pain in the ass for the past two weeks, the thought of killing him in more ways than one had crossed my mind one too many times but I had to pull myself together and not do anything rash or stupid. But other than that, my legs had completely woken up and the nurse had returned to the hospital, she was the most annoying little shit Ive ever met, treating me like some sort of handy cap, but Im glad shes finally gone. The officers placed in charge of monitoring and patrolling my house barge into the house from time to time, I think they are more scared of me relapsing than escaping, which I understand, I mean its not like I didnt have a panic attack somedays back when my demons came to play and almost died if not for Xavier who found me barely breathing on the kitchen floor.

Xavier and I have gotten somewhat closer during this period, hes the only one who gives two shits about my well-being, the last time I saw him he told me about the trial which was to take place in less than three months, which would be from late august to the early weeks of September and I couldnt wait to get it all over with. Xavier had also been doing a little investigation on his own and filled me in from time to time, turns out the night Cassy was killed she had dropped a package at my house, she worked at the supermarket some blocks away from my house and on her way back to the supermarket she got ambushed and killed, an autopsy was being carried out on her and the results were to be revealed on the day of the trail.

The few times I encountered Cassy she always had a blinding smile on her face and spoke so enthusiastically which was weird, she was so sweet and kind to me even though I never acknowledged her, she had this addictive sweetness about her that would sometimes bring a very subtle smile on my face, if I had developed diabetes, it would have been her fault. I remembered sending an email to the supermarket stating I didnt want them sending her to my house anymore, but the last time she came I had ordered some late-night snacks at six and the supermarket usually closed at eight, they had sent her due to the supermarket being short staffed that day, due to some staffs going on leave, she was still so full of life and had that bewitching smile on her face, it was truly a pity she was dead, she didnt deserve to die at such a young age.

Time went by faster than I had anticipated it to and in the blink of an eye the day of the trial had arrived, I wont lie I was a little nervous, ok I was a lot nervous. I was escorted to the courtroom by a bunch of officers, the doctor in charge of my health Mr. Christopher Joe, had done a full body checkup on me earlier on and made sure I was mentally prepared for the trial before letting me step out of my house.

Fast forward to the courtroom where the trial had begun, lots of news reporters were present and I was told earlier by Xavier that the trial was going to be broadcasted live, damn did the news spike up my anxiety, I used the breathing technique Doc Joe had thought me earlier on to calm myself and just like that the first segment of the trail was complete and we were given a thirty minutes break before the second segment would begin.

During the break I was attacked by a woman who looked to be in her late fifties, she was dragged away from me by the security placed on standby but she kept on screaming as she cried out calling me a murderer and other vile names, Xavier pulled me away from the scene and took me to a more secluded private area, I didnt realize how badly I was shaking until Xavier pointed it out and encouraged me to breathe, I tried pushing the bad thoughts away and avoided triggering my attacks the best I could but the shaking wasnt stopping and before I knew it Doc Joe was Infront of me with an oxygen regulator in hand. After about five minutes of using the regulator my body hand relaxed completely and I could breathe easier now but I was still a little shaken up by the earlier events of the day.

When the break was over, we all headed back into the courtroom and pieces of evidence were being brought to the judge along with some witnesses, as expected I was called to the stand and took an oat to say the truth and nothing more but the truth, I was handed a wireless head mic in other to be heard by everyone as I spoke my truth, I was interrogated by both the persecutor and Xavier, my nerves were kicking in but I still maintained my composure although the interrogations.

After the questioning and presentations of evidence the trial had ended, and the judge had informed us that the trial was to be conducted for three days and we were to return in two days. During the trial I discovered that the woman from earlier was Cassys mom, she was boring holes in my face throughout the trial. The judge haven heard about the earlier happenings during the break and had given a warning to Cassys mom and her lawyer, he threatened to lock her up if she assaulted/attacked me again.

I went back home the exact way I had come, in a police car with loads of police escorts like hardened criminals, Xavier had teased that since I was a celebrity the officers were more like my personal bodyguards and I snorted a little at that, I knew he just wanted to lighten the mood but he wasnt entirely wrong, I oddly felt superior and untouchable with so many security bodies around me, but I didnt feel safe.

Immediately I got home I tossed myself on the bed and took a quick nap. I woke up several hours later and it was already dark outside, I checked the time and it was thirty minutes past seven, I had been asleep for three hours, well without a thought in mind I went to take a shower, made a little dinner and ate, enjoying the peaceful silence. On getting to my room, I sat in front of my desk and turned on my laptop, I opened up the book I had been writing concerning the death of Cassy and began writing a new chapter.

It was already one in the morning when I completed the chapter I was writing and then I stretched my limbs out before sitting on my bed and looking out the window, I was fatigued, the scene of Cassys mom kept playing over and over again in my head, the murderous look in her eyes was all too familiar, it made me feel small, it made me want to shrink and hide away for good. Those dead eyes brought back so many buried memories, dark memories, the kind that suffocates you and gives you no space to breathe.

Run Kia!!! Run as far away as your little legs can take you, but youll never be able to run away from me!!! No matter how long it takes Ill find you and then Ill kill you, tear your limb from limb and feed you to the dogs!!!

That voice and those cold void of murderous eyes accompanying it gave me goosebumps all over my body, those murderous eyes were just like the ones Cassys mom had while attacking me, those eyes I ran away from years back, that voice I tried oh so hard to forget, those sick twisted memories that caused me sleepless nights and dreadful days, every one of them were coming back and I could hear the racing of my heart in my ears, beating loudly like thundering drums, making my headache with no remorse.

Before I could have a full-blown panic attack I got up from the bed and turned all the lights on, I called Doc Joe and he picked up almost immediately, I informed him I was about to have a panic attack and couldnt breathe, but he was calm and patient with me whilst helping me breathe and regain my bodys composure, after about five minutes my breathing became normal, Doc Joe had given me some drugs earlier in the day which he instructed me to go take along with a fruit salad bowl and warm milk before I sleep, I thanked him and proceeded in following his every instructions. I laid down sideways, facing the window and getting lost in the beauty of the moon and stars, I dont know how long I had watched the sky but my body logged off on its own after some time.